“Wow. You’re here. It’s really great to see You. So. Do You prefer to be called God or . . .”
“I’m partial to Yahweh, actually.”
“Yahweh it is, then. Can I get You something? Coffee? Water? We got Pellegrino, if You like the bubbles.”
“I’m good.”
“Sorry we couldn’t do this yesterday, but, as I texted You, my kid— I had to do a thing.”
“I understand completely.”
“Please. Tell me what it is You’re looking for.”
“Where to begin. Well, in recent years, it seems to Me, My image has taken something of a beating. Wouldn’t you agree?”
“I don’t know if I— This kind of thing, it’s very subjective.”
“Come on. It’s Me.”
“Now that You mention it, I suppose I do know what You mean.”
“Fewer and fewer people believe in Me. And the ones who do, well, let’s just say a lot of them aren’t doing Me any favors.”
“Fair enough. But why us?”
“Why you?”
“There are plenty of other publicity firms in town, some of them bigger than our shop.”
“You want Me to explain why I would like to hire you?”
“That’s it.”
“I sort of thought you would be courting Me.”
“We have a deep roster of clients as it is, so . . .”
“Well, correct Me if I’m wrong, but I believe your firm is the one that got people to believe that food served from trucks and street carts is better than what they have in restaurants.”
“Yes, that was one of our better ones.”
“And the whole digital thing. That was impressive. You got everybody to tether themselves to all these electronic devices. They’re slowly driving themselves insane, but they tell themselves they like it.”
“Yep, that was us. Thanks for noticing.”
“And then there’s ‘Twilight.’ You did a terrific job with that one.”
“Listen to You, with the flattery.”
“Iraq and Afghanistan. There was not a single meaningful antiwar protest in the U.S. that I can recall. Amazing.”
“That was actually another firm, but I’ll pass along the compliment.”
“And yoga. That was really—”
“That one took off on its own, believe it or not.”
“Seriously?”
“I’m as surprised as You are.”
“Given all that, I figured you might be able to help Me with My problem.”
“Let me just say, first, it’s great to have a potential client who’s so up on what we do. You really did Your homework, Yahweh, and we’re delighted You’re considering us. If You don’t mind, though, I’d like to go over a couple of things. Just the basics. Like, oh, let’s take the Bible, for one.”
“What about it?”
“I’m wondering how You’d like to handle it.”
“I’m not sure where you’re going with this.”
“Well, one chapter it’s all ‘eye for an eye,’ and then it’s all ‘Turn the other cheek, guys.’ See what I’m saying?”
“I don’t have a problem with the seeming contradictions.”
“I hear You. But us humans? We hate that stuff. And then there’s what’s called the problem of evil, which is where a lot of Your image problem lies. Let’s take the recent hurricane. Storm blows in from the sea, people are killed, others are left homeless, and there You are, distant, la-di-da, seemingly unconcerned. All due respect, it makes You seem like a bit of a jerk.”
“. . .”
“Look. This is the process. We need to get everything on the table, right from the start. But I’ll back off, if it’s making You uncomfortable.”
“. . .”
“Listen, it was a pleasure meeting You, but I think we may not be on the same page.”
“No. No. You’re right. I probably need to hear this. Go on. Let Me have it.”
“I’m thinking it would be nice if we can find a way to explain away the historical calamities and tragedies. The Holocaust. Various famines. The whole Rwanda thing. Tsunamis, Stalin. And then, on a more everyday level, well, all of us humans know we’re gonna die. It’s not like it’s some big secret. Which is depressing, You have to admit.”
“So you’re saying people find death depressing?”
“Hellooooo!”
“What if we got people to focus more on the good stuff?”
“Like what? I’m all ears. Because, I have to say, I’m not really seeing too much good stuff, from where I’m sitting. Take me. This morning I’m in traffic twenty minutes. The cars are not moving. Or take this. You buy a place and you think you have a decent investment, but then the market crashes and the property taxes go up. So You tell me, what exactly is this ‘good stuff’ You want me to push on the populace?”
“Life itself.”
“Could You, uh, be a little more specific?”
“You. Right now. Being alive. As opposed to never having existed.”
“You see this? What You’re doing right now? I hate to say it, but You have a tendency to do this, with the mystical business, which hasn’t played very well since the late sixties.”
“I’ll demonstrate what I mean. This moment, you’re alive. Correct?”
“Yeah, sure. At least, I think I am.”
“Don’t laugh. It’s not funny. And now, this moment, you’re dead.”
“I am? Oh, I see, I get it. A little divine humor. Wait. Why do I seem to be drifting out of my body?”
“You had a heart attack. Your assistant is calling for help, but it’s too late.”
“Jesus.”
“Hey.”
“Sorry.”
“Would you mind recommending another firm for Me? I was hoping to get this done soon.”
“I don’t know. This is a lot to process. Maybe try Edelman.”
“Never heard of them.”
“That’s how good they are. They’re down on Hudson Street.”
“Sounds good. I’ll see that you get a break in the afterlife.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Watch the sarcasm.”
“But You gotta understand. One minute I’m alive and it’s beautiful. I could look around, I could breathe the air! It was city air, but still. You know what I had for breakfast today? A bagel. Toasted. With chives in the cream cheese.”
“This is what I was hoping you might be able to convey. But you couldn’t see any upside.”
“Maybe You could reverse things? Specifically, my situation? As a favor? Because now I can see the campaign. Thrilling, positive stuff.”
“It’s too late.”
“Don’t I get to go back? Another go-round?”
“You mean reincarnation? Nope. You had your turn.”
“That was it?”
“That was it.”
“Fuck! It went by fast.”
“You liked it, though, right?”
“Yeah, sure, it was great. Except the ending.”
“All right, so I’ll check this Edelman place, see what they come up with.” ♦
