Music awards should always, always be examined, prodded, doubted, and mocked. Any pop musician who ever entered the game expecting the pay stability of a company man or the recognition given to a good shortstop deserves all the disappointment of a Mets fan and the sympathy appropriate for, well, a pop star. As the Polish say, you want egg in your beer? Are you listening, pop stars? You get to wake up late and give endlessly self-aggrandizing interviews with language like “We’re just taking it to the next level.” You’re lucky to have running water.
Awards shows also grapple with the insoluble problem of celebrating people who have been celebrated all year, often accompanied by personal enrichment. Add the fun of watching stars like Taylor Swift act surprised at winning an award after being nominated for thirty-five of them, and you’ve got the World Series of Feigning. How can this possibly go right?
The Grammys, after years of modeling the wrong way, have quietly become one of the least corny affairs. They recently reorganized their categories in an attempt to better represent the types of recordings that actually exist in the world. And this year’s nominees are only odd in that the beginning and end points for eligibility (October 1, 2010, through September 30, 2011) mean that some of the records in the running always feel one year behind the curve. The 2012 nominees, broken down, present an entirely reasonable take on the pop landscape, and are more inclusive than the lists on many critic-led Web sites and magazines.
1. Record of the Year
“Rolling in the Deep,” Adele
“Holocene,” Bon Iver
“Grenade,” Bruno Mars
“The Cave,” Mumford & Sons
“Firework,” Katy Perry
Except for the deadly dull and safe café-rockers Mumford & Sons—I’d trade in A.S.A.P. Rocky’s “Peso” and be entirely happy—this is a decent cross-section of what mattered to folks this year. Adele should, and will, win. But the audiences for Bon Iver’s “Holocene” and Bruno Mars’s “Grenade,” combined, would probably add up to a big fat chunk of America.
2. Album of the Year
“21,” Adele
“Wasting Light,” Foo Fighters
“Born This Way,” Lady Gaga
“Doo-Wops & Hooligans,” Bruno Mars
“Loud,” Rihanna
Except for Gap-rockers Foo Fighters, who exist only because Dave Grohl is so widely liked, this is another reasonable list, though a little wet. Adele will win, which will be appropriate for the biggest-selling album of the year. Gaga, Rihanna, and Bruno Mars are all players, but nobody thinks Gaga’s “Born This Way” is the songwriting juggernaut her début was—give her a Grammy for something else, like Most Horizontal Pants. Rihanna’s “Loud” stretched over two years, and it deserves note though possibly not right now. Bruno was inescapable and hummable but it would be nice if they’d swapped in “Watch the Throne” for Gaga or Foo Fighters.
3. Song of the Year
“All of the Lights,” Kanye West
“The Cave,” Mumford & Sons
“Grenade,” Bruno Mars
“Holocene,” Bon Iver
“Rolling in the Deep,” Adele
This award recognizes songwriting, rather than a finished recording (that’s Record of the Year). In that case, make Record of the Year salute the sonically adventurous (Bon Iver, Odd Future, Kanye) and hand this one to Adele for writing an instant classic. She’ll likely win everything anyway. Kanye’s “All of the Lights” should be shifted from this category into Record of the Year, and win.
4. Best New Artist
The Band Perry
Bon Iver
J. Cole
Nicki Minaj
Skrillex
A cursed award, one that nobody ever wants to win. I would be thrilled if Skrillex or The Band Perry won and became “Jeopardy!” answers.
5. The Rest
After that, expect Adele and Kanye to divide the golden-horn loot, with possible interruptions from Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks” (a song that’s already become an award show walk over tune) and Foo Fighters, who have been nominated mysteriously and repeatedly. That “Nevermind” reissue must have really made an impression on someone.