Downton Abbey: Season Four, Episode One

WORKING DRAFT

FADE IN:

EXT. DOWNTON—NIGHT.

CUT TO:

INT. DOWNTON—SAME.

The great house bustles in preparation for dinner. We see a quick montage of downstairs, as the staff prepares the courses.

CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN—SAME.

Mrs. Patmore mixes a pudding as Daisy tends to a roast that’s just come out of the oven.>

DAISY Does this look done to you, Mrs. Patmore?

MRS. PATMORE Why is it I have to do everything in this kitchen myself? (walking to Daisy) Here, let me see that knife?

As Daisy hands the knife to Mrs. Patmore, Daisy’s hand slips, stabbing Mrs. Patmore seven times in the neck, chest, and arms. Mrs. Patmore falls to the floor, pulling the roast and pan with her, bleeding profusely, dead, covered in red-bliss potatoes. Daisy, horrified at the accident, backs up and slips on the roast, falling, and hitting her head on the open cast-iron stove door. She, too, is dead.

Enter Mrs. Hughes.>

MRS. HUGHES This is no time to be lollygagging around, Mrs. Patmore.

A beat as Mrs. Hughes realizes.>

MRS. HUGHES (cont.) Oh, dear.

Enter Jimmy, in a huff, followed by Thomas, red-faced, followed by Alfred, confused.>

JIMMY (to Mrs. Hughes) He touched my bottom again.

THOMAS My hand slipped as I was reaching for something.

ALFRED Yeah, his bottom.

MRS. HUGHES There’ll be no more talk of bottoms or touching in this house.

THOMAS Mister Carson won’t be too happy about having a lie down now, Daisy.

A beat.>

THOMAS (cont.) Daisy?

MRS. HUGHES I’m afraid they’re dead.

JIMMY Crikey!

ALFRED But I was going to ask her to Badger Counting Day in the village tomorrow.

MRS. HUGHES (heavy sigh) There’ll be no more badger counting for these two I’m afraid.

THOMAS What are we going to do about the roast? Mister Carson’s waiting.

MRS. HUGHES Jimmy, help get that roast and those little potatoes on a charger and get them to the dining room. Alfred, move the bodies outside. Thomas, stop touching Jimmy. Heavens. Am I the only one who realizes we have a dinner to serve?

All scramble as we

CUT TO:

LORD GRANTHAM’S ROOM—SAME TIME.

Mister Bates dresses Lord Grantham for dinner. After a time…>

LORD GRANTHAM You’re awfully quiet tonight, Bates.

BATES Forgive me, my Lord. I’ve no right to be. I shall turn in my resignation now if I’ve displeased you.

LORD GRANTHAM What seems to be the matter, old chap?

BATES It’s Anna, m’Lord.

LORD GRANTHAM Nothing serious, I hope.

BATES She’s dead, m’Lord.

LORD GRANTHAM It can’t be.

BATES I’m afraid it’s true. Hit by a lorry in the village this morning. Dragged a great distance. I’d asked her to post a letter from me to her.

LORD GRANTHAM My dear, dear man. A senseless tragedy. And a seemingly senseless errand.

BATES Indeed, my Lord. Today is the anniversary of the day we met, seven years ago. Also, her birthday. Also, she was pregnant. But not with my child.

LORD GRANTHAM Well, I hope this won’t spoil Badger Counting Day for you tomorrow.

BATES Of course not m’Lord.

LORD GRANTHAM Good man.

CUT TO:

LADY MARY’S ROOM—SAME TIME.

Edith sits on a chair sulking as Mary looks at herself in the mirror.>

MARY I wonder what could be keeping Anna.

EDITH I heard Carson say Anna was hit by a giant lorry in the village today and killed. Dragged fifty feet, apparently.

MARY Sad. What was she doing in the village, anyway?

EDITH Something about mailing a letter for Bates to herself.

MARY That makes no sense.

EDITH (confused) Why

not? I used to post letters to myself all the time.

MARY Poor Edith.

EDITH Why does everyone keep saying that?

MARY Because you’re a foolish…

Edith stands and runs towards the closed glass window, which she crashes through and dives out of to her death.>

MARY (to her own reflection) How very boring of you Edith.

CUT TO:

DINING ROOM—LATER.

The Dowager Countess sits with Lord Grantham, Lady Grantham, Lady Mary, Tom, and Mrs. Crawley. Carson, Thomas, and Jimmy attend.>

LADY GRANTHAM Has anyone seen Edith?

MARY She jumped out my window earlier and died.

LORD GRANTHAM What?! Why wasn’t I told?

LADY GRANTHAM Oh, Robert. You can’t be told about everything in the house.

MRS. CRAWLEY Yes, Robert. One does find that one can’t possibly know about everything one wants to in this modern world and that one gets tongue-tied when one uses the word “one” in a long sentence to the point where one doesn’t know quite how one should end that sentence.

A beat as Mrs. Crawley looks down, embarrassed.>

THE DOWAGER COUNTESS Thank you for that fascinating clarification, as always.

LADY GRANTHAM I should tell Mrs. Hughes we’re going to be one less for dessert so she can tell poor Mrs. Patmore and Daisy.

LADY MARY I’m afraid they’re dead, too.

TOM BRANSON Life is pain.

LORD GRANTHAM Carson? Is this true?

CARSON According to the Buddhist tradition, it is, my Lord, while Christians and Jews see it somewhat differently.

LORD GRANTHAM I was referring to Daisy and Mrs. Patmore dying, Carson.

CARSON I’m afraid it is true, my Lord.

LORD GRANTHAM Odd. Bates told me that Anna died today as well.

No one notices that Mrs. Crawley is choking on a large bite of beef. She falls from her chair to the floor, dead.>

TOM BRANSON Lady Crawley appears to have choked to death on a big hunk of meat.

THE DOWAGER COUNTESS The lengths that woman will go to for attention.

LADY GRANTHAM I think we’ll go through now, Carson.

All rise and exit as Thomas and Jimmy drag Mrs. Crawley out of the dining room, Thomas trying also to touch Jimmy’s bottom. We see Carson’s expression as we

CUT TO:

INT. CARSON’S OFFICE—LATER.

Carson counts soup spoons. Mrs. Hughes enters.>

MRS. HUGHES How did dinner go then?

CARSON You mean other than Mrs. Crawley embarrassing herself by dying during the main course?

MRS. HUGHES I’ll be glad when this day is over.

CARSON Speaking of which, are you excited about the badger counting tomorrow?

MRS. HUGHES Well, you know I do love badgers, Mister Carson. And I love counting them. So yes, it’s a very exciting day for me when I can both interact with but also count badgers.

There’s at knock at the open door and we reveal Miss O’Brien holding a shotgun and a hand grenade.>

MRS. HUGHES May I ask why you are holding Lord Grantham’s shotgun, Miss O’Brien?

CARSON (standing) Is that a hand grenade?

O’BRIEN Is that what it is? I certainly don’t want it. I found it in the larder.

MRS. HUGHES Why would there be a grenade in the larder?

CARSON Give it here please, Miss O’Brien.

Pulling the pin.>

O’BRIEN What’s this pin for?

CARSON Don’t touch that!

Carson dives on the grenade as it explodes. He dies instantly.>

O’BRIEN (turning to Mrs. Hughes) What the…

The shotgun discharges accidentally, killing Mrs. Hughes. Enter Mister Bates.>

BATES What have you done now, Miss O’Brien?

A beat as we

CUT TO:

EXT. VILLAGE FIELD—MORNING.

A series of shots establishing the village in full festival mode. A large cloth banner reads “HAPPY BADGER COUNTING DAY, 1924.” Dr. Clarkson stands under the banner, takes a pistol from his waistcoat, puts it to his temple, and pulls the trigger, collapsing instantly. Villagers walk by but no one seems to notice or care, as we

CUT TO:

Lord Grantham, Lady Grantham, The Dowager Countess, Mary, and Tom Branson sitting in the front row of many rows of folding chairs in a field waiting for badgers. When a badger does appear in the distance, a town official shouts “Badger!” and another official chalk marks a number on a large chalk board. Villagers applaud.

Toward the back, standing, Bates and Miss O’Brien.>

BATES Anna would have liked this.

O’BRIEN Pity you had to write yourself a letter.

BATES I’m warning you Miss O’Brien…

A beat as we see his expression change from anger to annoyance.>

BATES (cont.) Thomas. I would ask you to stop touching my bottom.

Pull back to reveal Thomas with his hand on Mister Bates’s bottom. He stands next to Jimmy and Alfred.>

THOMAS (complying) There’s noting wrong with touching a bottom, Mister Bates. It’s 1924 for goodness sakes.

JIMMY What’s that noise?

All look to the sky.

CUT TO:

P.O.V. of the sky, where we see a UH-60 Blackhawk helicopter hovering over the village and two teams of British special forces fast-roping from them. They’re firing from short-barreled Heckler and Koch assault rifles, mowing down villagers.

CUT TO:

Bates, O’Brien, Thomas, Jimmy, and Alfred.>

BATES This isn’t good. That’s a Sikorsky UH-60 Blackhawk. And those are S.A.S.-trained fighters.

THOMAS They’re very attractive.

Thomas smiles and waves to the S.A.S. and is mowed down. As are the others.

CUT TO:

Lord Grantham, Lady Grantham, The Dowager Countess, Mary, and Tom Branson scrambling for cover. Branson stands his ground.>

TOM BRANSON Bastard English!

He’s mowed down.

CUT TO:

Lord Grantham, Lady Grantham, The Dowager Countess, Mary. They are confused by the dramatic change in events.>

LORD GRANTHAM This is odd.

MARY At least it’s more interesting than badger counting.

LADY GRANTHAM Why is Thomas lying on top of Jimmy?

LORD GRANTHAM I think it would be best to call for the car before they call in a second chopper and any heavy artillery.

CUT TO:

A car driving down a lane, towards Downton in the distance. It’s raining heavily. Lightning hits a large tree, which collapses onto the car, killing Lord and Lady Grantham, Mary, and the driver. The Dowager Countess survives. She climbs out of the car and surveys the damage.>

DOWAGER COUNTESS That was the

worst Badger Counting Day I can remember.

SMASH CUT TO CREDITS.

John Kenney recently published his novel "Truth In Advertising."