Mickey Mouse
Mickey Mouse is not a mouse. If you look very closely at him, you can see that he wears gloves. Mice do not have the capability, nor the desire, to put gloves on their hands. He also is depicted wearing a pair of shorts with large buttons, which a mouse would be unable to fasten given its mental limitations, not to mention the fact that it has claws without opposable thumbs. Furthermore, the viewer should not be misled into thinking that Mickey is a mouse because he uses the name “Mouse.” This is merely Mr. Mouse’s surname, and is not intended to confer any mouselike qualities upon him. If you met a man who was named, say, Alan Bird, you would not assume that he was a member of the avian family, even if he happened to have a beak instead of the traditional mouth-and-nose combination seen in most humans, would you? Obviously, Mr. Mouse is simply a man with a loving wife, Mrs. Mouse (a female human), and a normal Homo sapiens existence, just like the rest of us. He even owns a dog called Pluto! How many mice do you know who own dogs?
Scooby-Doo
Scooby-Doo is not a dog. Granted, he does have the comportment and vocal characteristic of a canine, but this is, in fact, the tragic consequence of a botched elective surgery that Scooby underwent at the hands of his friend Shaggy, who was briefly enrolled in a plastic-surgery program at a medical school that he no longer attends. Additionally, Scooby’s predilection for Scooby Snacks should not be understood as the desire that a dog might have for dog treats. In truth, Mr. Doo is an aspiring entrepreneur who created the Scooby Snack as a healthy nibble for human consumption, and his obsession with them is a mark of his commitment to the brand that he is building. The fact that Mr. Doo has been central to the solving of multiple criminal investigations should make it abundantly clear that has the intellect of a man, and not that of a dog.
Winnie the Pooh
Winnie the Pooh is not a bear. Winnie is actually a young man who dresses up as a bear in order to humor his friend Christopher Robin. The most conclusive evidence for this is the fact that Winnie is capable of speaking fluently in the English language, which has, thus far, eluded the grasp of the entirety of the bear population. Winnie’s contemporaries Eeyore, Piglet, and Tigger are all part of the same role play that was created for Mr. Robin’s sake. Why exactly these four men choose to wear these costumes for Christopher is unclear, but it has been speculated that they may owe him money from gambling debts.
Hello Kitty
Hello Kitty is a cat, goddammit.
