Politically sensitive organizations and individuals have begun to advocate for the addition of “trigger warnings” to books and movies that contain scenes of bullying, prejudice, or sexual violence. A group called SKITTISH, the Society of Kindhearted Individuals Terrified of Trauma, Icky Stuff, and Heartache, has issued a manifesto calling for even more extreme measures:
1. A series of escalating online alerts to warn viewers of any film or public-service video featuring Angelina Jolie, whose appearance may further upset Jennifer Aniston, even now.
2. If any work of fiction describes stereotypical behavior by a member of a minority group, there must be a boldfaced introduction stating such correctives as “JEWS ARE NEITHER WEALTHY NOR EDUCATED”; “AFRICAN-AMERICANS HAVE NO AFFINITY FOR DANCE, MUSIC, OR CO-HOSTING MORNING SHOWS”; and “GAY MEN DO NOT GO TO SEE ‘CAPTAIN AMERICA’ MOVIES HOPING FOR A SUDSY SHOWER SCENE.”
3. Any work of fiction or nonfiction that includes depictions of sadomasochistic sexual activity must be rated on the following scale. X: Suitable Only for Bored, Lonely Women in Small Towns. XX: Suitable Only for Bored, Lonely Women Married to Men Who Wear Oversized Team Jerseys to Weddings. XXX: Suitable Only for Bored, Lonely Women Who Will Re-Create the Most Graphic Scenes Using Their Workplace Precious Moments Figurines.
4. Any documentary about war or slavery must begin with a title card reading either “War and Slavery Are Bad,” “War May Sometimes Be Regrettably Necessary to End Slavery,” or “War and Slavery Are Not Appropriate Names for Children or Pets.”
5. Any animated film that depicts colorful cartoon animals must conclude with this voice-over: “The creatures you have just witnessed were created entirely on a computer. Never attempt to force live animals to sing power ballads, tap-dance on a tundra, or assure you that everything will be fine if you just believe in yourself. In reality, such animals would be hunted and killed.”
6. Any written work that contains derogatory references to a character’s height, weight, skin tone, gender, original gender, or sexual orientation must have all of these references crossed out and replaced with the words “proud,” “healthy,” “personhood,” “not gross in any way so stop making that face,” and “attractive to people who like that sort of thing.”
7. Any recording of a song with lyrics that are degrading to women must include a supplementary version of the same song with alternate lyrics. For example, the words “mega-booty,” “pumpin’ thang,” “luscious lady lava,” and “steamin’ hot pocket” would be replaced with the words “respect,” “boundaries,” “child care,” and “Pelosi.”
8. Any cable program featuring scenes of Viking misbehavior, vampire lust, questionable prison romance, enjoyable drug use, or unrepentant serial killing must be preceded by one or more of the following admonitions: “Suitable Only for Mature Audiences, Meaning No Male Viewers of Any Age,” “May Contain Nudity by Attractive Actors, Which Will Inspire Immediate Audience Arousal Followed by Clinical Depression,” and “So Filthy, Disgusting, and Insulting That There’s Nothing We Can Possibly Say to Stop You from Enjoying Every Second of It.” ♦