A dining room, The White House. Governor Romney and President Obama eat lunch. Several seconds pass.
GOVERNOR ROMNEY: This is delicious soup.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: It’s good, right?
ROMNEY: It’s really good. Tomato. Marvelous.
OBAMA: I thought it was going to be lentil. That’s what someone had said. But … in the end … they went with tomato. Good decision, I think.
ROMNEY: It was the right decision. Not an easy decision in a way. What with the cold weather. But with the tuna sandwiches it makes perfect sense to me. Perfect complement, soup. Wonderful. Nice to keep warm.
Pause.
OBAMA: Whereas … I think … potato chips would have been a mistake.
ROMNEY: A huge mistake. A huge mistake. Would have made no sense. Ha ha.
OBAMA: Now. I think I should mention at this point that there are brownies for dessert.
ROMNEY: Oh gosh. Brownies. I love brownies. Ann and I both love brownies. Always have. We used to make them all the time when we were young. From scratch. Grew our own cocoa. Hard to do but we did it. Well, literally impossible in North America. But Hershey’s makes some. Buy it. Just go in that supermarket and buy it. Or send someone in to buy it. Or buy the store and the store’s parent company. Great fun. Brownies.
Pause.
OBAMA: Michelle likes brownies. Malia. Sasha. My feeling is that the milk can never be too cold with a brownie.
ROMNEY: It’s like you were reading my mind right there. This is fun.
OBAMA: I’m having fun, too. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
ROMNEY: I hate you so much.
OBAMA: Excuse me?
ROMNEY: I said could you please pass the water.
OBAMA: Pleasure. 332 to 206. Electoral college.
ROMNEY: Sorry?
OBAMA: Any of your kids still in college?
A waiter clears the plates and brings a tray of brownies. Each man takes one and a glass of milk.
ROMNEY: Chewy. Warm. Nice.
OBAMA: Milk is cold.
ROMNEY: I own a helicopter. I have second homes larger than this one. It’s like a bad dream.
OBAMA: Have another brownie.
Obama passes the tray of brownies.
ROMNEY: I’m so sad.
OBAMA: I understand.
ROMNEY: No. Like, really, really sad. I just kind of can’t believe it. I’m … I’m Mitt, ya’ know. Mitt.
OBAMA: You’re Mitt.
ROMNEY: Yes. And now … it’s over. And I lost bad. They told me I was going to win.
OBAMA: They told me I was going to lose.
ROMNEY: I feel a little better for talking about it. Like I just opened up. Hey, I know this is crazy but I’m going to have another brownie.
OBAMA: Do it.
Romney eats another brownie.
OBAMA: Question for you.
ROMNEY: Shoot.
OBAMA: Did you believe anything you were saying in the final weeks? I mean, I couldn’t believe some of the stuff coming out of your mouth.
ROMNEY: Almost none of it. They fed it to me in an earpiece. I was so tired I didn’t know if I was speaking English. You?
OBAMA: Same. Exactly the same.
ROMNEY: Taxes on the wealthy?
OBAMA: Won’t do squat. You know that. I know that. Gun control?
ROMNEY: Can’t stand the things. Can’t beat the N.R.A. though. Wish I could. China?
OBAMA: Can’t stand those guys.
ROMNEY: Can’t stand those guys.
Both smile.
ROMNEY: What song is in your head right now? I’m going to count to three and then we both say it. One, two, three…
BOTH: “Lisztomania.”
ROMNEY: Phoenix.
ROMNEY: The French band. Thomas Mars, the lead singer.
OBAMA: Married to Sofia Coppola.
They chuckle.
OBAMA: Do you like camping?
ROMNEY: No, I don’t like camping, I love camping. You must come to Utah. We’ll go to Moab, to Arches National Park. We’ll set up a tent and talk all night.
OBAMA: Let’s forget the tent.
ROMNEY: Under the stars. Soup?
An aide enters, signals to the President.
OBAMA: Governor. I’m sorry. I have a national-security briefing.
ROMNEY: And I have to go home and trim the hedges.
Both smile.
OBAMA: Do you want to sit in the chair, one time, before you go?
ROMNEY: It’s a nice offer. But I can’t. It’d be too painful. And I’d never leave. Ha ha.
OBAMA: Let’s shake hands but also hug.
_They shake hands and also hug, holding the hug while they slowly dance. It gets late._John Kenney’s novel “Truth in Advertisting” will be published in January.
Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.
