The play should be performed as naturalistically as possible. By that I mean the funny parts should be played sad, the sad parts funny, and the middle parts with disdain. The Greek chorus should be played realistically. The teen-aged Greek chorus may use leather jackets.
My plays always take place in the Northern Hemisphere, except when they are dreams. Those take place in a Chase bank close to my house.
During a run-through, it is O.K. for the actors to heckle the audience. It’s really the only chance they’re going to get.
Musicians should be placed in a plexiglass box on stage, which should be sealed part-way through the first act. By the end of act five, audience members will be incredibly invested in whether the clarinet player will make it out alive. There has been only one performance in which he did not. In that instance, the script did not require any changes.
Don’t dress the vampire like a vampire. Dress him not like a vampire—there’s a difference.
In the hospital scene, it’s best if half of the patients are really sick.
A note on recorded music: While I use Ella Fitzgerald’s “A-Tisket, A-Tasket,” you may be tempted to use The Black Eyed Peas’ “Let’s Get It Started,” because it’s a party scene. But don’t. Really don’t. I wrote this over the course of three years of a bloody Romanian conflict and it will all go to shit if you put in that garbage.
Regarding pauses: short pauses are short, three seconds or so, like the time it takes to sneak out a little fart, i.e. Lucia’s line “No, I told you to bring me the head of Cornel, not [little fart] Gary.”
Other silences should last five to ten seconds. During these, actors should open and close their mouths several times but say nothing, like highly conflicted groupers.
Please feel free to explain the show to our nearsighted friends through the use of semaphore. I cannot allow sign language, however, as I abhor excessive hand gestures without props.
Make sure you do not confuse the party scene with the execution scene. While they run together, it is important that Cornel doesn’t get executed while serving punch.
Sometimes I will just write the names of characters and then a period. This means they should flail their arms wildly and then go still. But that goes without saying.
The Narrator should always talk about Christmas, despite what his lines say.
Wait a good seventeen seconds before beginning each scene.
The women should use goofier accents than the men. It’s not essential. But it’s one way to help distinguish the men from the women.
In part two, we did not originally mean for a mummy to enter. But once he was on, we did enjoy him. So we left him in.
If there is a pigeon, get it out of there! It shouldn’t be there.
Again, everything about this production should be as simple as possible. Except Lucia’s fever dream. That part should be really, really over the top and not what I intended at all.
(Rest) means actors may take a breather on a cot set on the side of the stage.
Cut in italics means I’d prefer if you cut this, but I was too afraid to do it myself.
Cut underlined means I really want you to cut it.
CUT in caps means someone’s about to get cut, probably Gary.
Parentheses around dialogue mean speak quietly.
Double parentheses around dialogue mean you should just think it.
Lastly, if in your production, the finale is not working, substitute the ending of O’Neill’s “Long Day’s Journey Into Night.” That should do the trick.
Illustration by Igort.
