Friend—Isn’t it amazing how time flies? It seems like just yesterday I was a spry senator of forty-five. Today, I experience joint and back pain, and my cholesterol is frankly not where it should be. Michelle’s no help: she tells me this is the kind of thing I can expect “now that I’m in my fifties.” Will you help, by donating $3 or more today? —Barack
Friend—Being President is a pretty tough job. And I’ll be honest: it isn’t made any easier by the fact that I have a hernia. I know there’s one thing that will make me feel better, though. That’s right. Just $3—or more. —Barack
Friend—There are two things that I can use the phrase “more than ever” about: 1) how often I now wake up in middle of the night to use the restroom, and 2) how much I need your help in the campaign. Donate today—and thank you. —Barack
Friend—This morning, I had a routine EKG. But I don’t want just anyone interpreting the results. That’s not the way I ran my campaign, and it’s not the way I conduct my Administration, or my personal life. If you’re a doctor: please, donate $3 or more for a chance to be automatically entered to take a look at my EKG. I know you’ll come through for me. —Barack
Friend—Yesterday, as I was finishing up a meeting with my chief of staff, I fainted. That has never happened before. At first I felt dizzy, and the next thing I knew my face was pressed up against the Oval Office carpet. (Luckily, Michelle picked a soft one!) I consulted with my doctor and he told me this was likely a combination of fatigue—and the normal process of ageing. I’m fifty-one now. Anyway, can you donate? —Barack
Cabinet Members—These last three and a half years you’ve all done a top-notch job. You’ve earned these gray hairs along with me (can you believe how many I have now?). Anyway I just wanted to say: thanks. And I, of course, want you at my next cabinet meeting. Will you donate $3 or more today to find out when it is? Your voice is important to me. —Barack
Dr. Higgins—I need a refill on my Lipitor. Will you send the prescription to the White House, along with $3 or anything else you can spare? My thanks in advance. —Barack
Joe—I’m going to level with you: I’m thinking about dropping you from the ticket. I hope you won’t let that happen. Donate $3 or more—whatever you can—and you’ll automatically be my running mate again. —Barack. P.S.: Hair-dyeing/plugging session on Thursday?
Michelle—Do you know where I put the aspirin? I really need it. That, plus $3 for the campaign—or whatever you can spare. (I know we agreed not to touch the kids’ college accounts, but do you think maybe you have another book in you?) —Barack
Hillary—I feel like sometime in the last month you mentioned an exercise regimen Bill was doing and really liking—what was the name of it again? Much appreciated. On another note: I’m thinking about bombing Syria—and I want to hear your opinion. Won’t you donate $3, or whatever you can, and we’ll sit down to discuss this and other diplomatic matters? —Barack
Mitt—I’m looking forward to a spirited campaign this fall. One quick question: you’re in your sixties, right? At a certain point did you notice yourself falling asleep very quickly when trying to read an article in bed? I’m only fifty-one. I feel like only a couple years ago, I could easily get through an entire N.S.A. briefing. Your feedback on this is much appreciated. And, I know this is weird to ask, but if you can spare $3 million—well, I promise to go easy in the debates. —Barack
Friend—Thanks for your help so far. You’ve made it possible for all of us to hold on to the hope of four years ago. Uh oh. You know what? I’m suddenly noticing a pain in my chest. It’s radiating down my left arm. Will you call an ambulance? Or at the very least, donate what you can—every dollar helps. Thanks. —Barack
Official White House Photo by Pete Souza.
