Satire from the Borowitz Report
Not the news.
George Santos to Spend More Time with Imaginary Family
The congressman thanked his children for taking care of his many imaginary pets, including a marmot and a python.
Clarence Thomas Collapses from Exhaustion After First Full Day of Regulating Himself
Other Justices are struggling with the arduous self-regulatory demands of the code of conduct, too.
Nation Terrified That Mike Johnson Is the Adult in the Room
Americans wondered what sort of adult would deny the outcome of a legitimate election and believe the separation of church and state is a myth.
Ivanka Unable to Remember Name of Her Father
Responding to a question about Donald Trump’s business dealings, Ms. Trump said, “I’m sorry. I’m not familiar with that person.”
Furious Ohio Republicans Report Widespread Incidents of Women Voting
“Many of our poll workers spotted women going into voting booths and literally casting votes,” a G.O.P. operative in Lake County said.
Ginni Thomas Says Mike Johnson’s Wife Seems a Little Crazy
“Someone has to tell her to dial it back a smidge,” Thomas said, of the wife of the new Speaker of the House.
Mike Pence Returns Four Dollars to Donors
The former Vice-President told reporters he took pride in the fact that his campaign has been funded exclusively by small contributions.
Johnson Promises to Be Greatest Speaker of the Seventeenth Century
“For years, time travel was the stuff of science fiction,” the newly elected Speaker said. “Now, as I take this majestic nation back four hundred years, I will make that dream a reality.”
George Santos Declares Jim Jordan’s Identity Not Worth Stealing
The New York representative told his colleagues, “I would be embarrassed to use any credit card with Jim Jordan’s name on it.”
Jim Jordan’s Speaker Bid in Jeopardy After He Accidentally Locks Himself in Bathroom
Jordan’s inability to engineer an exit from his own restroom raised fresh questions about his fitness to be Speaker.