What I Wish I Said: “If you keep driving around like that, you’re going to kill someone!”
What I Said: “Yeah, keep driving.”
What I Wish I Said: “Nice medallion. Does it say ‘World’s Worst Cab Driver’?”
What I Said: “Nice yellow car.”
What I Wish I Said: “This is Fifth Avenue, not the Indy 500!”
What I Said: “This isn’t that race. You know, the big one.”
What I Wish I Said: “I’m walkin’ here!”
What I Said: “What’s that thing Dustin Hoffman said in that movie? Not ‘Little Fockers.’ ”
What I Wish I Said: “Have some respect for your fellow man!”
What I Said: “Not until I get insurance.”
What I Wish I Said: [Sarcastic clapping] “Bravo!”
What I Said: [Sarcastic clapping] “This clapping is sarcastic, by the way.”
What I Wish I Said: “If I wanted some big yellow thing to crush my foot, I would have bought that giant banana!”
What I Said: “How am I ever going to get this giant banana back to my place?”
What I Wish I Said: “Keep your eyes on the road, pal!”
What I Said: “If you’re so against watching the road, maybe you’d be interested in checking out my Web series?”
What I Wish I Said: “Whoever you’re talking to on the phone like that must be pretty important, huh?”
What I Said: “I should call my mom.”
What I Wish I Said: “Whoever taught you how to drive should get thrown in jail!”
What I Said: “I should call my mom.”
What I Wish I Said: “Hey, watch the merchandise!”
What I Said: “I just bought that rotisserie chicken! Eh, it’s probably still good—the ground will add more texture.”
What I Wish I Said: “That was a bit too close for comfort, buddy!”
What I Said: “This is the closest I’ve felt to anyone in weeks. Months?”
What I Wish I Said: “Take it easy!”
What I Said: “Take it easy there, tough guy! Oh. Wow. I’m sorry, ma’am. It appears that, in a strange twist of fate, I’m actually the one who needs to take it easy, especially when it comes to reinforcing gender stereotypes. Anyone can drive a cab—I mean, not me. Driving around in this city is far too stressful for me. So many frenzied pedestrians who really need to get over themselves.”
What I Wish I Said: “Hold on just a second. I’m still making my way into your back seat.”
What I Said: “Can you take me to Brooklyn?”
