Penelope
In his eighteenth year, Hercules, son of Zeus, went forth from Thebes to seek fame and glory. He was welcomed by the King of Thespiae, who had heard of Hercules’ great strength, and hoped that the youthful hero would ignite the fancy of his eldest daughter, who had exclusively been dating jagoffs. And Hercules saw that Penelope was quite attractive, and, to the King’s delight, a great passion was born. But, as the months passed and the King continued to hover, Hercules started to grasp the inky depths of Penelope’s daddy issues, and at times he could not tell if he was her boyfriend or some kind of peculiar erotic proxy. And so Hercules was distressed but not altogether surprised when he returned one day from the hunt only to find that Penelope was gone—fled to Ithaca with one of the aforementioned jagoffs.
Hermione
She was tall and shapely, with soft, shoulder-length hair and plump ruby lips that were rife with sensual possibilities. When Hercules saw her, he felt a stirring in his loins and was seized with an extraordinary desire to possess her, and introduce her to his nana. And indeed their chemistry was intense, and many a theatregoer was made acutely uncomfortable by their marathon makeout sessions, their heavy and relentless petting. But, after a time, cracks began to appear, for Hermione was remarkably ignorant of the ways of the gods, and Hercules knew little of physical therapy; and when, on a cool, moonlit night, Hercules found himself upon the rocks of Piraeus, hooking up with Hermione’s roommate, Stacy, he knew that it was over.
Agatha
In the days following the breakup with Hermione, Hercules attended many parties, where he drank deeply of mead and dominated many games of wine pong, and it was through these that he came to know Agatha. Now, Hercules was still young, and susceptible to flattery and general reinforcement; for although he was immortal, his parents had withheld praise, and he was profoundly insecure. And so, even though he was not attracted to Agatha, her enthusiasm was a balm to his ego, and she plied him with wine and compliments and numerous hand jobs. But as time passed the guilt grew hard within Hercules’ breast, like an unripe fig, and after weeks of dithering he finally mustered the courage to break it off—although he deftly managed to keep the door open for future hand jobs.
Allison
They fought in temples, they fought in fields. They fought in the agora, and in the baths; they fought at that new tapas place, right there, in front of everyone. And when it was over he and Allison would weep bitter tears, and cling to each other like frightened children, and Hercules would say that he loved her. But did he really love her? Or was what he felt a milky cocktail of codependence and guilt, spiked with the overwhelming fear that he would never find anyone better? (And, if so, he reasoned, was that not in itself a kind of love?) Whatever the case, a resolution was not close at hand, and the relationship dragged on for three and a half years.
Lara
That he was on the rebound was manifest, and from the first time they hooked up, on the shoals of Mykonos, Hercules kept warning her that it wasn’t going anywhere. Lara kept replying that it was not an issue, for she was a free spirit, and was in the process of opening her own gallery. And, in truth, it was Hercules who was making things weird: it was he who struggled not to say “I love you” the first time they had sex; it was he who would tiptoe to the bathroom late at night and quietly cry for reasons that he could not fathom. And when, years later, Hercules heard through mutual friends that Lara had become a lesbian, he was exceedingly relieved, and he flirted with the idea of sending her a card—though in the end he never did, because where do you buy a card for that?
Eva
From the start, Hercules worried that the relationship would blow up in his face: Eva was Allison’s best friend. But, on the other hand, why, after two years, should Allison continue to define the parameters of his social life—especially since they were no longer speaking? Indeed, Eva’s friendship with Allison bestowed a special intimacy upon the proceedings, for she was already acquainted with his flaws and failings and accepted him for who he was. But Hercules had forgotten that Eva was substantially psychotic, and when Allison got wind of the affair Eva turned on him and made it sound like Hercules had seduced her, which, of course, was totally not what happened. But it didn’t matter, and ultimately the thing did blow up in his face, just as the Oracle foretold.
Ophelia
She was bright—brilliant, even—with sapphire eyes and long golden hair that she wore in a braid over her left shoulder. But, while blessed with beauty and wisdom, Ophelia was cursed with a wonky metabolism and a panoply of food allergies—and not just to normal things like nuts or shellfish but to crazy things like tahini and grape skins and broccoli rabe. And though by now Hercules had slain the Hydra and vanquished the Nemean lion, facing a lifetime of oat milk and unrefined spelt was a task that even he could not bear. And so the day came that they talked it out, and the tears flowed like rivers, and their noses dripped like rain, and the relationship was dissolved by mutual agreement—although Hercules deftly managed to keep the door open for future hand jobs.
Allison (again)
Couples therapy had been her idea, but in truth Hercules was receptive, for he was older now, with some money in his pocket, and no longer susceptible to the cycles of bickering and guilt that had sunk the relationship the first time around. At their engagement party, Hercules was struck by how right it felt; and although perhaps he consumed one stoup of wine too many, and perhaps he hugged Allison’s half sister a touch too ardently, he believed in their future. So Hercules was not merely blindsided but thunderstruck when, the day after the party, Allison threw his belongings out the window and smashed his new chariot with a wooden club, and cast him from their apartment, even though Hercules’ name was on the lease.
And it came to pass that Hercules took a step back and did a little soul-searching, and in time he realized that he had been using his relationships as a crutch to compensate for his lack of self-worth. So, resolving to be single for a while, Hercules got to know Hercules, and he did not date, and he did not play wine pong—although he did remain open to certain fixups, provided that the girl was “normal” and objectively attractive. ♦
