This Guy’s Proposal to His Girlfriend Will Make You Laugh … and Cry

Photograph by Fatima Hilal Baskoylu/Getty

Guys, What’s up? I’m so glad you’re all onboard for my viral proposal to Lauren, my girlfriend of three years, my partner in crime, and the inspiration for all my female characters! (Yes, even Candace, the poignantly dignified old hooker in my senior thesis film, “Staring Down The Barrel of A Glock.” Lauren loved that one, hahaha.) Anyway, here is the itinerary. 5:30 A.M. — THE BIG ROCK IN CENTRAL PARK WHERE LAUREN AND I WENT ON OUR FIRST OKCUPID DATE – EXT.

Craft services will be set up. Bagels and coffee for everyone!

ADAM and JEN will blindfold Lauren and get her here. I’m not going to give you a line reading, because I think everything should be really loose, but if you could just play it really chill, like, “I guess we’re going to this rock or whatever.”

7:30 A.M. – OUTSIDE THE BODEGA WHERE LAUREN AND I FIRST KISSED – EXT.

We technically can’t go inside, but here is where MICHAELA and JON casually join. If you guys could play it like that part in “Goodfellas” when Michael Imperioli tells Joe Pesci to go fuck himself and then Joe Pesci shoots him, you know?

8:00 A.M. – THE SMALL INDIAN RESTAURANT WHERE LAUREN AND I FIRST DISCUSSED THE POSSIBILITY OF SHARING A FUTURE – INT.

LAUREN’S MOM emerges from under a table and performs an original rap.

9:00 A.M. – THE APARTMENT WHERE LAUREN AND I MADE LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME AND DIVULGED OUR MOST INTIMATE SECRETS – INT.

This is when we all jump out and do the synchronized dance routine to “Apache (Jump On It).”

I’m going to propose after the song ends. I don’t have a ring right now because the 301 class at U.C.B. pretty much drained my checking account, but I have a joke ring made out of a Gummi worm and a rock and, trust me, she will think it’s totally hilarious.

Lauren has friends at Buzzfeed and Upworthy, so if she says yes (to the proposal), we can reach out to them. If she says no (LOL), I also know someone at “Best Week Ever,” but I only know him from a party, so that might be weird? If you guys have any contacts, LMK. I could also just put it on YouTube and see if anyone picks it up, but then we would need to make it really clickable.

Speaking of which, Lauren might start crying (probably b.c. she is so happy), but don’t stop—this is the kind of random thing I do for her! Haha.

So glad you are all down for this! If you have any questions about your character’s motivation, don’t be afraid to text. I’m not one of those directors who’s a dick when you need to run lines. But, of course, I’d be happy to give you line readings if that’s your process.

See you bright and early!

Jon