Turning Your Cell Phone Off for Folks Born Before 1950

Good morning! As you know, this class is called “Turning Off (or at Least Silencing) Your Cell Phone for Folks Born Before 1950.” My name is Ryan, and I was born in 1979. Does that make me special? Not necessarily, but it does make me someone whose phone doesn’t play Henry Mancini’s “Baby Elephant Walk” every time someone calls. O.K., you guys are great. This is going to be a blast.

Let’s start with some places where it’s important to have your phones turned off. Hands? Yes, you in the green jacket. Stan! Yes, on the golf course! Great. Anyone else? Blue hat! Roger! Yes, the movie theatre! Stan again! Any theatre at all. Yes! O.K., let’s just shout them out. No need to raise hands. At an A.A. meeting. A chamber-music concert, terrific. Yes! At a family dinner. Yes, yes. A funeral. A bar mitzvah. These are all great places to turn off your phones. Wonderful.

Now let’s take out our phones. Yes, you in the pink scarf—Paula. Hello, Paula. You can never find your phone. Does anyone have a suggestion for Paula? She can never find her phone. Suggestions? A special pocket in her bag. O.K., Paula doesn’t have a special pocket. Another suggestion? She can put it in her jacket pocket. That’s a great suggestion. That’s where I generally have my—O.K., Paula, you don’t want to keep it in your jacket, because then when it rings it scares you? Because why? Because it rings when it’s not supposed to. O.K., well, let’s—no, Paula, go right ahead. You just root around in your bag and shout, “I’m coming!” when it rings? O.K., well, Paula, that’s interesting, but it’s not a solution.

Back to Paula later. Now, let’s do it! Take out your cell phones. I’m assuming most of you do not have iPhones or Droids. Yes, in the back? Smartphones are too expensive! How many people think smartphones are too expensive? A lot of hands. Fair enough. Smartphone contracts aren’t cheap. And, seeing as you are the last generation in the history of the United States to make more money than your parents, and also that Social Security will collapse after your deaths, it is very generous of you to save those few hundred dollars a year for your kids’ inheritances. That said, there’s a nifty button on the side of the iPhone that—well, never mind. So, open it up. That’s right. O.K., there’s a button on the left-hand side of your phone. Push that button. Keep it pushed down. Great. Everyone’s phones are off!

What’s that? Your phone makes too much noise when you turn it off, so instead you just hope it doesn’t ring? Now, here’s some great news: you can just keep your phone on mute all the time! I’ve been thinking very seriously about having another workshop on that. A muted phone is a wonderful thing. When your phone’s muted, every once in a while you can just look at it and see if anyone got in touch with you. I’m seeing a lot of shaking heads. Who here ever looks at their phone? O.K., not very many of you.

What? The only reason you remember you have them is when they ring, and then you can’t find them, and then, when you do find them, the battery has run out. O.K., so why do you have cell phones? Because your kids told you to get them. O.K. Maybe I need to have a workshop “Stop Telling Your Parents to Get Cell Phones.” You think that’s a good idea? O.K.

Yes, on the left. Bob. You want me to keep your phone at my house, and, if anyone calls you, I can write you a letter? That’s actually not a bad idea.

Photograph: Sean Ives/Getty.