To: N.I.H. maintenance staff
From: Brian Torgerson, supervisor
Re: Decades-old vial of smallpox
You’ve probably seen the media reports by now:
“A government scientist cleaning out a storage room last week at a lab on the National Institutes of Health’s Bethesda campus found decades-old vials of smallpox. … This is the first time the deadly virus has been discovered outside the only two facilities in the world where smallpox samples are allowed, by international agreement, to be stored—a highly secure lab at the CDC headquarters in Atlanta and a virology and biotechnology research center in Novosibirsk, Russia.”
—the Washington Post, July 8th There’s no way around it: this is embarrassing.
What I want to stress, however, is that there is no chance that any other deadly pathogens are lying around the facility, tucked behind hedges on the grounds or stacked like cordwood in the common areas. And when I say “no chance,” I mean that there is a chance, but it is very, very small. (Like smallpox itself! Just kidding.) In any event, it’s worth noting a few simple guidelines for a situation like this. Not that there’s likely to be a situation like this again anytime soon! Please understand that this is done out of an abundance of caution, as there is absolutely no way* you may, say, stumble onto an improperly secured cache of botulinum toxin while using the third-floor break room.
In the event that you find a supply of deadly neurotoxins in a slop closet, immediately cordon off that closet with an approved safety-yellow DANGER/PELIGRO floor sign and notify your shift supervisor. If your shift supervisor is on break, leave him a note. If the DANGER/PELIGRO signs are all in use, you may substitute a CAUTION, WATCH YOUR STEP, or WET FLOOR sign.
Pathogens should not be handled. They should be bagged, and the date and place they were found noted, e.g.: “Found by Carl under some phonebooks, Tuesday.” Feel free to note any other salient details, e.g.: “Looks like mold or something.” Employ best practices for handling hazmats, or at least use the Playtex gloves on your wagon.
If you happen to come across the Ark of the Covenant, which was misplaced in our warehouse some years ago, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, DO NOT LOOK INSIDE.
There may be a small quantity of tetrodotoxin on the premises. Tetrodotoxin exists in the liver of the puffer fish and is visually indistinguishable from other animal liver, so if you find any unidentified animal liver on the premises, it’s best to be on the safe side: do not sample any unidentified animal liver for freshness. In retrospect, it seems clear that it was a mistake to have gone with an all-you-can-eat sushi bar on Employee Appreciation Day, and I’m sure that H.R. regrets the choice.
Finally, you may encounter the following in the course of your normal duties. Just follow the corresponding common-sense recommendations if you do.
a) Vicious cats (do not look in the eye)
b) Artillery shells from the Second World War (probably O.K. to take as souvenirs, but test first by applying a sharp rap with a hammer or other heavy object)
c) Hellmouths, particularly in the South Building, which was built on the site of an Indian burial ground (see if you can get one of the cats to go in there first)
d) Inexplicable bursts of powerful kinetic energy (see above)
e) Enormous pools of antifreeze (do not collect for reuse in your personal vehicle)
f) Roving gangs of nineteen-fifties juvenile delinquents looking to “rumble” (try to dance your way out of it; as a last resort you may run and tell the caring, no-nonsense social worker from the Settlement House)
Your maintenance department hopes that these suggestions will enable you to perform your duties with the usual high degree of competence and a minimum of crippling terror. If you have any questions, feel free to forward them to me in my new office on the containment level.
Brian
*same caveat
Illustration by BSIP/UIG Via Getty.
