It was disconcerting to hear President Obama describe ISIS as a “grave thread.” What does he mean by “thread”? Not sure why a reporter hasn’t asked why Obama described ISIS in this strange way. There is no meaning of the word “thread” that I can think of that would make sense in this context.
Correction: I smudged the transcript of Obama’s remarks after printing it out. Obama called ISIS a “threat,” which is true.
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Why hasn’t any commentator called out President Obama for his bizarre remarks on the situation in Syria, in which he referred to our “brav sodders in unform” and then trailed off? Shouldn’t reporters be asking what the President meant? I have never even heard some of these words before.
Correction: I accidentally spilled coffee on the transcript. I printed out another, but, in a bout of clumsiness, tripped over the power cord, knocking the printer onto the floor and breaking it. Unfortunately, while this occurred, the transcript I’d printed fell into the clutches of my dog, who left only a few pieces of it for me to reassemble as best I could. I have another printer, but it is out of toner. Anyway, the above is what I was able to glean from the coffee-soaked, dog-torn transcript. It turns out to be mostly wrong.
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Why did Obama call our soldiers “heaps of garbage”? I don’t think that’s a fair characterization at all. In fact, I find it offensive. I hope he’ll explain why he called them heaps of garbage.
Correction: In this case I had an accurate transcript printed out. I kept it clean. But, unbeknownst to me, my vision was blurry. It turns out that for three weeks I have been taking the wrong dosage of a certain medication, which caused this side effect. I have called my pharmacist.
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Why did President Obama spend the entirety of his speech yesterday saying nothing but “President Obama addresses the nation. Fox News,” over and over again? I don’t think I’m out of line in saying that there could be some issues of mental unbalance here.
Correction: I had Obama’s speech on mute. I thought closed captioning was on, but it wasn’t. On the plus side, I did find out why I was taking so much medicine and blurring my vision. It turns out that this mistake was also due to an error in transcription, in this case that of a call with my pharmacist. I have fired the person responsible.
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I’m unclear on why President Obama described the leader of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, as having been born in Fall River, Massachusetts, to Portuguese immigrants. And is al-Baghdadi really the Cecil and Ida Green Professor of Physics at M.I.T.? If true, these details are news to me. It would be nice if a reporter cared to look into it.
Correction: I was conflating the self-proclaimed caliph of the Islamic State with the Secretary of Energy, Ernest Moniz. Look, you have to understand: I haven’t slept in forty-eight hours. What I thought were Ambien tablets were actually Excedrin_ _tablets. Was it another transcription error, or was my blurred vision the culprit? Add this to the list of questions the media isn’t interested in asking.
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Call me crazy, but President Obama hasn’t taken much flak for ruthlessly liquidating his enemies in order to consolidate his power. I know the media is determined to have his back no matter what, but do they really not even care that he had the gall to conduct this operation on the very night that he was becoming godfather to his sister’s baby? Also, why has the media covered up the face that Obama uses a wheelchair and had polio?
Correction: It turns out that I was flipping among a number of different channels. Most of these things were not about Obama. Can’t a reporter come help me? Anyway, I would also like to take this opportunity to recommend a classic film that I have enjoyed many times, “The Grandfather.”
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I’m surprised that more eyebrows weren’t raised over President Obama’s rant yesterday about how his mind controls the weather. Seems like an obvious topic for reporters. Are they so much in the tank for Obama that they won’t broach this subject?
Correction: This turned out to be not President Obama but a vagrant named Mitch, who loiters outside my house. Mitch explained everything. He has been impersonating almost every single person in my life, including my pharmacist, my transcriber, and even members of my family. Apparently, this has been going on since the late nineteen-seventies. Can someone please look into this?
