- Reading comprehension. Consider the following passage by a nineteenth-century female writer:
Elizabeth, having rather expected to affront him, was amazed at his gallantry; but there was a mixture of sweetness and archness in her manner which made it difficult for her to affront anybody; and Darcy had never been so bewitched by any woman as he was by her. He really believed that, were it not for the inferiority of her connections, he should be in some danger.
How would you title the above passage to generate the most “likes”?
(a) haters make you stronger, God forgives
(b) Hey, friends, I’ve written about some stuff that’s been going on with me lately, which is why I’ve been out of touch and not on social media so much or too responsive to your posts, and it would be really great to get some feedback from you intelligent people on this. A lot on my mind & greatly appreciated (etc.)
(c) 10 Reasons You Are Never Getting Married
(d) Cats Dressed Up Fancy
Student-produced-response math. According to an electronic sign in the subway, an uptown 2 train is arriving in 3 minutes. You lose a game of Tetris on your phone and see that 4 minutes have gone by, at least. The electronic sign says that a 3 train is arriving in 0 minutes. 0 minutes go by. Do you just say fuck it and walk from Barclays?
Multiple-choice math. You receive several e-mails from your insurance company with “amounts you may owe” that so far total $789. What do you do?
(a) Read your explanation of benefits.
(b) Look for your explanation of benefits somewhere in your “important” Manila envelope, which is different from the other “important” Manila envelope that is more personally important and includes a note your college roommate wrote on unicorn stationery.
(c) Cancel your allergist appointment but even it out by eating an orange.
(d) Send a text message to your mom saying, “NYC doesn’t care if I live or die.”
- Math diagrams. Choose one of the following short-response prompts, and include illustrations, if necessary:
(a) Describe how to wear a peplum and still seem like a person of significance.
(b) Describe how to wear diaper pants while asking to see the bouncer’s “list.”
Student-produced-response math. What is the limit of y=2x as your love of Beyoncé approaches infinity?
Vocabulary. I threw Gianna serious —, because I was —.
(a) elocution / nonplussed
(b) paraphernalia / permeated
(c) shade / like, she can’t be serious
Student-produced-response math. You have one remaining pair of clean underwear, besides the pair you are currently wearing. You have an additional pair of underwear that doesn’t cover your entire butt and says “Thursday.” How many days can you go without doing laundry?
Student-produced-response math. At what surface area does facial hair suggest a lack of vital personal possessions?
Reading comprehension. Consider the following exchange:
What does the final line of dialogue indicate?
(a) Christian is fearful of his responsibilities at Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.
(b) Christian is ambivalent about physical relationships.
(c) Christian would like to return home to finish an entry in his Cooking with Celiac Disease blog.
(d) Christian is desirable.
Short-response logic. If you wear your high-heeled boots, you will be as tall as or taller than your date. But, if you don’t wear your high-heeled boots, you will feel less cool. Should you stay at home and watch anything featuring Connie Britton?
Improving sentences. You receive the following text message: “You’re an animal.” This is an autocorrection of:
(a) “You’re almost at Ludlow.”
(b) “Young Leo DiCaprio.”
(c) “Do we need eggs?”
(d) No autocorrection.
- Optional-essay response. Choose one of the following writing prompts and respond in essay form, drawing on what you have read, your observations, and your experiences.
• Write a letter to your building’s superintendent explaining that although it was you who left the roof entrance open the other night, because you wanted to show that “you’re not old yet!,” you are nevertheless a responsible tenant who puts the recycling in the right bins, unless the bins are empty and it’s unclear which is which.
• Write a controlled yet scathing Yelp review that conveys just how profoundly wrong your waiter was to refer to you and your friends as an “especially large” party, causing this waiter deep moral shame and personal fear.
• Write for as long as you can, in as many words as you can, in the space provided. ♦
