DANGER! THIS IS ONE OF THE DEADLIEST BEACHES IN THE NORTHEAST! SEVERAL PEOPLE ARE INJURED OR KILLED HERE EVERY SUMMER! FOLLOW THESE RULES AND BE SAFE:
• SUPERVISE CHILDREN.
• BEWARE OF SLEEPER WAVES AND RIP CURRENTS.
• DO NOT PLAY “TAG” WITH THE WAVES.
• DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON THE OCEAN.
• DO NOT GIVE THE BEACH YOUR CREDIT-CARD INFORMATION OR PIN NUMBER.
• ALWAYS CARRY YOUR WALLET IN YOUR FRONT POCKET WHEN IN THE VICINITY OF THE BEACH.
• DO NOT GIVE THE BEACH $1.75 FOR BUS FARE ACROSS TOWN TO SEE ITS MOTHER IN THE HOSPITAL. TELL THE BEACH SORRY, BUT YOU’VE HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE.
• DO NOT ACCEPT PERSONAL CHECKS FROM THE BEACH.
• DEMAND PROPER IDENTIFICATION IF THE BEACH ASKS TO GAIN ACCESS TO YOUR HOME TO CHECK THE GAS METER.
• IF YOUR CAR WAS KEYED IN THE PARKING LOT, YEP—PROBABLY THE BEACH.
• NO ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES. THE BEACH’S PERSONALITY REALLY CHANGES AFTER A COUPLE OF DRINKS.
• DO NOT TELL THE BEACH ANY PERSONAL SECRETS. THE BEACH WILL JUST TELL DENISE THE FIRST CHANCE IT GETS.
• DO NOT LEND THE BEACH MONEY TO START A FOOD TRUCK. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THE BEACH FOLLOWED THROUGH ON ANYTHING? NEVER, THAT’S WHEN.
• DO NOT INTERRUPT THE BEACH WHEN IT IS TELLING A STORY, EVEN IF IT IS A STORY YOU ORIGINALLY TOLD THE BEACH, AND IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO YOU.
• MAYBE THE BEACH HAS A PERSONALITY DISORDER?
• ALL WE’RE SAYING IS, IF YOU LOOK ON WIKIPEDIA THE BEACH KIND OF CHECKS ALL THE BOXES FOR HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. OR NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. CREEPY.
• REPORT THE BEACH FOR POSSESSION OF PHARMACEUTICALS THAT HAVE NOT BEEN PRESCRIBED TO THE BEACH. YOU’RE NOT BEING A NARC; IT IS FOR THE BEACH’S OWN GOOD.
• DO NOT INTRODUCE YOUR BOYFRIEND TO THE BEACH. JUST ASK DENISE IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY.
• DO NOT—WAIT, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? SORRY, WE THOUGHT WE HEARD THE BEACH.
• KEEP IN MIND THAT THE BEACH HAD A TOUGH UPBRINGING. TRY TO GIVE THE BEACH THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.
• DO NOT FEEL GUILTY IF YOU CAN’T REALLY BE AROUND THE BEACH UNTIL THE BEACH GETS ITS SHIT TOGETHER. YOU CAN’T HELP A BEACH THAT DOESN’T WANT HELP.
• NO LITTERING.
