Spoiler Alert: A Sneak Peek at the Final Season of “Mad Men”

The seventh and final season of “Mad Men” begins on April 13th. While the show’s producers are normally very secretive about divulging new story lines, we’ve been able to discover a few of the final season’s major developments:

— The season première reveals that Don Draper is now on page 2 of Dante’s “Inferno.”

— Roger Sterling receives the first liver transplant, which he celebrates with a Gibson martini. When admonished by a nurse, he cracks, “Come on, it’s like Christmas morning—I couldn’t wait to try it out.”

— More people die, to remind the characters that death is ubiquitous.

— Don has a series of flashbacks recounting his journey across the prairie in a wagon train of prostitutes.

— Betty Francis now weighs eighty-five pounds, has red hair, and is seven feet tall.

— Pete Campbell gets some tragic news: on a business trip, a flock of seagulls picked up his brother and carried him out over the ocean, where he burst into flames.

— Don experiences a mid-life crisis. Nobody notices.

— Sally Draper walks in on Betty having sex with Henry Francis. She rushes out of the room only to come upon her step-grandmother orally pleasuring the gardener. In a panic, she races into Bobby’s room, where her brother frantically masturbates into his baseball glove. She sighs and turns on the TV.

— Don wins an important new client with his campaign for Agent Orange, telling executives “Don’t we all want to be stripped away of our foliage? Don’t we all want something that will get to the core of who we are?”

— In an effort to land the Planters account, Joan Holloway sleeps with Mr. Peanut. She discovers a long-dormant nut allergy.

— Bob Benson, Kurt Smith, Salvatore Romano, Joyce Ramsay, and Lee Garner, Jr., tip over a police car at the Stonewall riots.

— Sally’s sweet-sixteen party is marred by news of the shootings at Kent State. Her junior prom falls on the same day as the Munich massacre, and her senior ball coincides with Nixon’s resignation. She decides not to have a graduation party.

— Don flies to Los Angeles to hear a pitch for a new record label from a small, charismatic bearded man who lives on a huge property and leads a cult. This man turns out to be David Geffen.

— While working late one night on a campaign for electric pruning shears, Peggy Olson decides to test out the product and accidentally castrates Ken Cosgrove and Harry Crane. Joan gets some ice. Don tells them, “This never happened.”

— Don has a series of flashbacks in which he helps a frontier town of prostitutes repel a band of lawless cattle rustlers.

— Sally discovers that her childhood friend Glenn Bishop is actually a cyborg, explaining his persistent dead-eyed stare and monotone.

— Roger is murdered by Burt Peterson. When asked by St. Peter why he should be allowed into Heaven, he cracks, “I’m susceptible to heat rash.” He spends eternity in Hell.

Photograph courtesy AMC.