This post was written by an English person.
1. All British expats bring a jug of water from Boston Harbor on the flight home
Although it means an extra layover in Boston, this traditional practice has helped the British tea industry recover gradually since the disastrous Tea Party incident, in 1773. The water is filtered for the remains of the destroyed tea cargo and served at Buckingham Palace on the Fourth.
2. Cricket matches in the park
While many Americans gather with their families, perhaps enjoying a friendly game of “toss the pigskin” or a round of wiffle ball, British people meet with strangers in a large park and hit a hard ball at each other. This symbolizes a rejection of the family cheer that is practiced across America on the Fourth of July. The red ball, white uniform, and blue bruises serve as a mixed visual code of patriotism (red, white, and blue in the Union Jack) as well as an acknowledgement of failure (red, white, and blue in the American flag).
3. Reverse fireworks
Crowds of people dress in red coats and gather under large scaffolds, which are extensively rigged with explosive fireworks. At an agreed-upon time across the country, the fuses are lit and the fireworks shoot downward, into the throng that has gathered underneath. This serves to remind the British people of the pain and suffering that came from the defeat endured by the King’s Army, and to prepare younger generations of English men for the eventuality of a second battle in which the Crown retakes what is rightfully British land.
4. Dental-hygiene-product bonfire
After the reverse fireworks, those who are not substantially injured build an enormous bonfire of toothbrushes, mouth wash, and dental floss, and children wear large fake teeth made of plastic. This tradition serves to embrace the American stereotype that British people have bad teeth, and to ridicule the ideal of complete, blanched uniformity in the American mouth.
5. B.B.B.Q. (British BBQ)
After the communal portion of the celebration is finished, British people return to their homes to eat. A charcoal grill, much like the one used in the American B.B.Q., is set up, and various English dishes, like bangers and mash, fish and chips, bubble and squeak, and spotted dick, are set on the grate. No British dish that has the word “and” in its name or that sounds like an egregious disease is left off the grill. Eventually, all the food drips into the charcoal bed, and it is then scooped onto serving platters and eaten. After this, there is a sustained period in which people regret having participated in the dental-hygiene-product bonfire.
Photograph: Martin Parr/Magnum
