Emergency Texts

_“More and more Americans are texting 911.”—NPR

JIMMY PETERS: hey u up?

911: Hello! You’ve reached 911 Emergency Services. Please text us the nature of your emergency.

JIMMY PETERS: just drinkin, thinking bout you. wanna come over?

911: Do you require the police, fire department, or an ambulance?

JIMMY PETERS: don’t u miss what we had?

911: This is 911, we never had anything.

MARY SMITHERS: hey its mom did u get my card?—mom

911: We are unable to receive cards; please text all relevant information, or call.

MARY SMITHERS: hey its mom did u get my last text?—mom

911: It appears you have the incorrect recipient.

MARY SMITHERS: hey its mom did u get my voicemail about the e-mails I sent?—mom

CARLOS DANGER: There’s an emergency!

911: Please text all relevant details.

CARLOS DANGER: A sexy emergency.

911: Please clarify the nature and location of the sexual assault.

CARLOS DANGER: Attached Image: gymbathroom.jpg

CARLOS DANGER: You like?

BILL ROSENBERG: I’m getting mugged!

BILL ROSENBERG: Did my text go through? (Sorry, I just really hate calling people.)

BILL ROSENBERG: Now they want to take my phone! :(

iMessage Send Failure

Sending as Text Message

Text Message Send Failure

No Signal

[Note: the following transcript includes descriptions of emoji symbols in brackets.]

CHRIS LU: [House; Smiley; Devil; Gun; Gasping smiley]

911: We are unable to read your message in its current format.

CHRIS LU: [Open hands; Flat-screen TV; Guy running; Eyes; Gun; Explosion; Pained smiley; Praying hands; Police car]

911: Please repeat your message in a standard text format or we will be unable to assist you.

CHRIS LU: [Skull; Poop]

LAUREN DEMILLO: i thik sum1 iz stilling cds frum my c4r smdh :’(

911: Do you require a language specialist?

LAUREN DEMILLO: wtf 911 no my matchbox 20 cd iz gone!!!

911: Are you certain it hasn’t fallen under your seat?

LAUREN DEMILLO: omg lol nm

SAM MORRIS: I’ve been shot! The gunman is wearing a banana.

911: Copy, suspect is wearing a giant banana costume.

SAM MORRIS: I meant bandana*, damn autocorrect!

911: Copy, gunman is wearing a bandana.

SAM MORRIS: Please hurry! I’m bleating to Darth.

911: Copy, his name is Darth.

SAM MORRIS: Bleeding* to death*

911: Can you describe your location?

911: Sir?

UNKNOWN: You’ve been selected to win a FREE blockbuster gift card worth $2,000! Enter the code “FREE” at www.tszxr2.bpsy.biz. Reply “cancel” to stop messages.

911: Cancel.

UNKNOWN: Need some IN$TANT CA$H? Get a $1 MIL$ blockbuster gift card today! Reply YES for more info, cancel to stop messages!

911: Cancel!

UNKNOWN: SexY HOT singles in yr area R horny 4 guyz w/ blockbuster GiFt cArDs

911: CANCEL!

Photograph: Alan Singer/NBCU Photo Bank/Getty