_“More and more Americans are texting 911.”—NPR
JIMMY PETERS: hey u up?
911: Hello! You’ve reached 911 Emergency Services. Please text us the nature of your emergency.
JIMMY PETERS: just drinkin, thinking bout you. wanna come over?
911: Do you require the police, fire department, or an ambulance?
JIMMY PETERS: don’t u miss what we had?
911: This is 911, we never had anything.
—
MARY SMITHERS: hey its mom did u get my card?—mom
911: We are unable to receive cards; please text all relevant information, or call.
MARY SMITHERS: hey its mom did u get my last text?—mom
911: It appears you have the incorrect recipient.
MARY SMITHERS: hey its mom did u get my voicemail about the e-mails I sent?—mom
—
CARLOS DANGER: There’s an emergency!
911: Please text all relevant details.
CARLOS DANGER: A sexy emergency.
911: Please clarify the nature and location of the sexual assault.
CARLOS DANGER: Attached Image: gymbathroom.jpg
CARLOS DANGER: You like?
—
BILL ROSENBERG: I’m getting mugged!
BILL ROSENBERG: Did my text go through? (Sorry, I just really hate calling people.)
BILL ROSENBERG: Now they want to take my phone! :(
iMessage Send Failure
Sending as Text Message
Text Message Send Failure
No Signal
—
[Note: the following transcript includes descriptions of emoji symbols in brackets.]
CHRIS LU: [House; Smiley; Devil; Gun; Gasping smiley]
911: We are unable to read your message in its current format.
CHRIS LU: [Open hands; Flat-screen TV; Guy running; Eyes; Gun; Explosion; Pained smiley; Praying hands; Police car]
911: Please repeat your message in a standard text format or we will be unable to assist you.
CHRIS LU: [Skull; Poop]
—
LAUREN DEMILLO: i thik sum1 iz stilling cds frum my c4r smdh :’(
911: Do you require a language specialist?
LAUREN DEMILLO: wtf 911 no my matchbox 20 cd iz gone!!!
911: Are you certain it hasn’t fallen under your seat?
LAUREN DEMILLO: omg lol nm
—
SAM MORRIS: I’ve been shot! The gunman is wearing a banana.
911: Copy, suspect is wearing a giant banana costume.
SAM MORRIS: I meant bandana*, damn autocorrect!
911: Copy, gunman is wearing a bandana.
SAM MORRIS: Please hurry! I’m bleating to Darth.
911: Copy, his name is Darth.
SAM MORRIS: Bleeding* to death*
911: Can you describe your location?
911: Sir?
—
UNKNOWN: You’ve been selected to win a FREE blockbuster gift card worth $2,000! Enter the code “FREE” at www.tszxr2.bpsy.biz. Reply “cancel” to stop messages.
911: Cancel.
UNKNOWN: Need some IN$TANT CA$H? Get a $1 MIL$ blockbuster gift card today! Reply YES for more info, cancel to stop messages!
911: Cancel!
UNKNOWN: SexY HOT singles in yr area R horny 4 guyz w/ blockbuster GiFt cArDs
911: CANCEL!
Photograph: Alan Singer/NBCU Photo Bank/Getty