The Food and Drug Administration for the first time in two decades will propose major changes to nutrition labels on food packages, putting calorie counts in large type and adjusting portion sizes to reflect how much Americans actually eat.
—_The Times, February 27, 2014
Reese’s Pieces Peanut Butter Candy, bulk 44 ounces
Serving size: 10 to 15 lethargic handfuls.
Servings per Container: Not enough to fill the void.
Girl Scout Cookies, Samoas, 7 ounces
Serving size: Just one more cookie.
Servings per container: Look, I’m really sorry, O.K.? I know they’re your favorite. I don’t know what happened. I promise I’ll get you some more when I go out later. Just chill out. Jesus.
Mountain Dew Code Red Soda, 2 litres
Serving size: 1 shameless 45-second chug.
Servings per game of Magic: The Gathering: 4 to 5.
Power and toughness of a Kjeldoran knight: 1/1, but for two white mana it gets +0/+2 until end of turn.
Doritos Locos Tacos Cool-Ranch Chips, 11 ounces
Serving Size: 1 serving.
Tautologies per nutrition label: Equal to the nutrition label’s total number of tautologies.
Poland Spring All-Natural Spring Water, 1 litre
Serving Size: 8 ounces.
Calories per serving: definitely not 275.
Percent likelihood that the big-water lobby has been feeding you lies for years: 0.
Entenmann’s Cheese-Danish Twist, 15 ounces
Serving size: It doesn’t say.
Servings per container: Nope. Doesn’t say that, either.
Nutrition labels accidentally eaten per container: Shut up.
Crystal Decanter Containing the Souls of the Unworthy, 25 fluid ounces
Serving size: 2 to 3 souls.
Calories per serving: 130*
*Percent daily values are based on a 2,000-calorie diet. Your daily values may be higher or lower depending on your calorie needs and whether you are a powerful necro-demon who has temporarily assumed a human guise to feed on the life force of mortals.
Swarthaven Farms Mayonnaise, 30 ounces
Serving size: 0 tablespoons.
Servings per container: 0.
How nasty mayonnaise is: Totally nasty.
America’s Choice Ice Cream, Black-Raspberry Chocolate Chip, 1.75 quarts
Serving size: The whole damn thing.
Servings per container: Everything’s fine.
Quantity of ice cream that will make Kristen come back to you: [Crying noises mixed with eating noises.]
Totino’s Party Pizza, Supreme, 10.9 ounces
Serving size: 1/2 pizza.
Total fat: 19 grams.
Magical anti-fat: -300 grams.
Made-up things per label that scientists need to get on A.S.A.P.: 1.
Huge Wad of Nutella and Crushed Up Oreos in a Ziploc Bag, 18 ounces
Serving size: 1 wad.
Servings per container: About 1.
Nuances of the epicurean experience that simply can’t be reduced to data on an F.D.A.-mandated sticker: Infinite.
Minutes until you’re hungry again and try to lick out the inside of the Ziploc bag: 2.5.
Photograph: Mark Peterson/Redux
