Shouts & Murmurs

Things That Will Happen If I Don’t Take My Phone Out Right Now

  1. Someone will post a photo of a brunch sandwich—like, a really great brunch sandwich, one with bacon and avocado—and I won't get to comment, "omg where."
  2. Netflix will start streaming "All in the Family" and I'll miss the e-mail notification, so I won't immediately quit my job and binge-watch all seven seasons in two days.
  3. Every five minutes or so, I'll stop dead and think, "Oh no, I lost my phone" while pawing at my body, trying to figure out in which pocket, purse, or bra cup I left it.
  4. I'll come up with a great idea—a tampon that is also a mild antidepressant—and won't have a way to write it down.
  5. Someone will send me an e-mail marked "URGENT" and it will, for once, actually be quite urgent (probably about free food), and I won't see it until it's too late (all the free food is gone).
  6. I will get bangs without consulting everyone I know on the Internet, and they will be a mistake, as bangs ALWAYS ARE.
  7. My family will be gruesomely murdered in a home invasion, and there will be no one to answer the call of the rookie cop tasked with notifying next of kin—poor guy, it was his first day on the force and he just wanted to make up for the fact that he, too, could not protect his family from being gruesomely murdered in a home invasion ten years prior and, oh my God, today is the ten-year anniversary and it's the same house.
  8. A female celebrity will do something in public and I will miss the chance to ask aloud, "Yes, but is she a feminist?"
  9. I'll get invited to a party on Facebook and will not be the first person to post a flippant remark, like, "new phone who dis."
  10. I will have to spend at least one second of my life not agonizing over how everyone else's life seems better. (How are you always at a cottage? Who drove you there? You don't have a car and I don't understand.)
  11. I will make eye contact with someone.
  12. I'll get so distracted by things in front of and above me that I won't look down while walking and will fall directly into an uncovered manhole.
  13. I won't be able to post photos of my boyfriend and me being in love, so people will just have to assume we're in love without photographic proof, which is basically the same as announcing our separation.
  14. Ignoring texts that I don't want to answer will suddenly become unintentional and therefore meaningless.
  15. In-person small talk.
  16. My mother will leave a voice mail saying, "Hey, it's me, your mom, just checking in," and my phone will buzz for weeks until I finally get around to deleting it.
  17. I will be forced to think about what I'm eating for dinner instead of pushing loaves of bread down my throat, while reading Gawker, like a very sad bird.
  18. It will be literally impossible to know what the weather is. Is it raining? Is it hot? WHAT DO I DO IF IT IS HOT?
  19. I will die before I get a chance to write one final, perfect end-of-life Tweet. ("Was me!")