An angry Tea Party rally took place last month in Washington, as the government-closure crisis came to a head. One prominent right-wing activist called on President Obama to “put the Koran down” and “come out with his hands up.” A second speaker declared that Obama is only the president of “his” people, not “the” people. While Obama himself has contributed mightily to his political problems this fall, clearly some hard-to-pinpoint animus is agitating many of his most vociferous opponents and contributing to the country’s polarization.
Here’s a solution: during his next round of face-to-face negotiations with Republicans, the President could excuse himself for a bathroom (or cigarette) break, inadvertently put his hand in his pocket, discover an old, faded tarot card that a Gypsy fortune-teller gave him one stormy night, long ago, when he was just a boy. The President might then wonder what the card was doing in his suit pocket after so many years, look at it quizzically—“Did we even have Gypsy fortune-tellers in Hawaii in the nineteen-seventies?”—be suddenly surrounded by a vortex of special effects and, perhaps, shimmery John Williams music, and then return to the negotiations as…
…Barry H. Owens, 44.5th President of the United States.
Our new President at a glance:
Born in 1961, in Lebanon, Kansas—the exact geographic center of the forty-eight contiguous United States—according to his birth certificate, which was notarized by the newscaster and “most trusted man in America” Walter Cronkite.
Nicknamed “SPF 50” in high school. Voted “Most Likely to Not Turn Muslim.”
Has not played basketball since middle-school P.E., except once during a college intramural tournament, but then no one passed him the ball.
Made history in 1989, when he was elected the president of the Harvard Law Review with the lowest melanin count since record-keeping began in 1871.
Married to the former Marilyn Quayle. The couple has two daughters: Lisa Marie and Lululemon.
Has never been to Kenya, is not related to anyone from Kenya, has never even thought much about Kenya. (But does like Enya.)
Notable quote: “If I had a son, he’d look like Peyton Manning.”
Despite glitches and general incompetence of the “Barrycare” rollout, and moral objections by some to mandated tanning-clinic coverage, the President is generally regarded, even by ideological opponents, as an articulate, thoughtful, well-intentioned, patriotic leader who is not in the least bit … other-y.
The “H” stands for Hugh.
Photograph by Pete Souza/White House. Altered by Bruce Handy.
