“American Hustle”
★☆☆☆☆
What dark Serpent of Hell did contrive such a Satanical tale? Greed, Lust, Intemperance, and indecently large Hairstyles comprise an Entertainment so Lewd and Sinful that a Christian Man of God can be forgiven for skipping it in Theatres. As Job awaited Deliverance, so you should await the DVD Release of “American Hustle.”
“Inside Llewyn Davis”
★★☆☆☆
A Swarthy Young Man chases the hollow Comfort of worldly Fame by performing stolen Songs in a latter-day Sodom and Gomorrah. The intermittently non-Satanical “Inside Llewyn Davis” ignores two very important Things: House Cats are the Soldiers of the Devil and playing Music is a Grave Sin. For Proof that Music is the vilest Witchcraft ever sent from hell to bedevil Mankind, you need look no Further than the Soundtrack of this Film. Ever since I did purchase it, I have been powerless to stop playing it. This is Satan’s doing.
“The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug”
★☆☆☆☆
A Small Pagan is enlisted by a Scheming Warlock to help a Pack of Bearded Devils recover their Gold from a Wicked Serpent. What can I say, I loved this Film. Nay, that was but Sarcasm! I have used the Great Deceiver’s own Device against him. In Truth, “The Desolation of Smaug” is an Endless Satanical Parade of Witchcraft and Lycanthropy, designed to lure all good People of God toward the hateful Flames of Perdition. I can only hope that the Third Installment is better.
“Gravity”
★☆☆☆☆
A Brazen Woman earns the Wrath of God for working outside the Home and wearing her Hair short like a Man’s. While it is a diverting Pleasure to witness her sundry Punishments and Tortures at the Hands of an Angry Creator, those of sound Judgment will find it exceedingly unlikely that she would know how to pilot that Chinese Shuttle. Also, I am not sure, but I think everyone is floating because they are Witches?
“The Hunger Games: Catching Fire”
★★☆☆☆
Verily, I am of two Minds when it comes to “Catching Fire.” On the one Hand, the killing of Children is largely forbidden by Scripture. On the other, so is coddling them. All Sins being Equal before God, I will split the Difference and give this Film two Stars. Seriously, though, Jennifer Lawrence has had a big Year, hasn’t she? It’s crazy.
“Disney’s Frozen”
☆☆☆☆☆
Snowmen are Graven Images sculpted of the Devil’s Ice by Idle Hands and Abhorrent in the Eyes of the Lord. The Presence of a Snowman alone would qualify “Frozen” as Satanical. But the Snowman in this Film is brought to Life with Witchcraft! Like Moses in the Desert, I am at a Loss: to continue this Review would require the Invention a new Word meaning “the most Satanical Thing I have seen since the Daemonic Talking Candlestick from ‘Beauty and the Beast.’ ” Therefore, I will end my Review here, as inventing new Words should be left up to God.
“Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit”
★☆☆☆☆
Guessing is a Sin, so I ask Divine Forgiveness for guessing which “Shadow” is recruiting Jack Ryan in the Title of this Film: Is it that same dark Shadow who recruited Eve, in the Garden of Eden, and Judas, at Gethsemane? In case my Writing is too Subtle, I think it is probably the Devil. For this Reason, I shall not risk my Immortal Soul by watching “Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit.” Also, because nobody told me about the Advanced Screening and I am not paying fourteen dollars to see it on my own. I don’t have E-mail, People. If you want me at these Things, you have to tell me.
“12 Years A Slave”
★★★★☆
Finally, a Film that a Christian Man of God may enjoy with light Conscience and easy Heart. Like the Silver Trumpets of the Lord, so my Peals of Joyous Laughter did echo the from the Walls of the soon-empty Theatre. Very funny Stuff! Minus Half a Star for the Slave Master’s overly liberal Interpretations of Scripture and Half a Star for the Ending of the Film, which I did not like (Satanical).
Tom O’Donnell’s children’s novel, “Space Rocks!,” is out now.
Above: A wooduct of a nineteenth-century illustration of Reverend Cotton Mather. North Wind Picture Archives/AP.
