MRS. CLAUS: Hey honey, so, I was just on the phone with my sister, and…
SANTA CLAUS: Sorry, can you just give me a sec? I’m in the middle of checking this over.
MRS. CLAUS: I thought you already checked that list.
SANTA CLAUS: Yeah, I’m checking it again. Just have a few million more names and I kind of need to get this done A.S.A.P. You know, Christmas.
MRS. CLAUS: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I just got off the phone with my sister and she says the whole family is doing Christmas in the Poconos this year. Sounds kind of fun, right?
SANTA CLAUS: Yeah, sure.
MRS. CLAUS: Great. What would you think about maybe doing Christmas with them this year?
SANTA CLAUS: You know I have to work. We decided this hundreds of years ago. We do Thanksgiving with your family, and I work on Christmas.
MRS. CLAUS: I know, but Claire just had the new baby.…
SANTA CLAUS: I know she had the baby. He’s on my list and my News Feed is full of her updates about him.
MRS. CLAUS: And you want me to miss seeing his eyes light up when he sees his first presents?
SANTA CLAUS: Who do you think brings the presents, Camille? I do. Me.
MRS. CLAUS: I don’t know why you need to deliver all of the world’s presents by yourself. What’s the point of having an entire staff of elves? You really need to learn to delegate.
SANTA CLAUS: You know the elves aren’t insured to drive the sleigh. And besides, delivering the presents is the best part of my work.
MRS. CLAUS: Oh, so you get to do what you want on Christmas and I’m expected just to sit at home, freezing in the North Pole, waiting for you?
SANTA CLAUS: You won’t be freezing. You’re getting a foot warmer from Hammacher Schlemmer this year!
MRS. CLAUS: Well, the resort in the Poconos has an indoor and an outdoor jacuzzi.
SANTA CLAUS: I never knew you were so into the Poconos! If you really want to go, we can go any other time of year.
MRS. CLAUS: It’s not just about the Poconos. I want to be with my family.
SANTA CLAUS: Well, why don’t you just go there without me?
MRS. CLAUS: And not be together for the holidays? Come on, Nicholas. You always get out of seeing my family. They’re starting to think you don’t exist.
SANTA CLAUS: Hey, I spent the Fourth of July showing your dad how to use the Apple TV that I got him.
MRS. CLAUS: What about if we just met up with them there on Christmas Day? After your last stop, on Baker Island, you can hop a flight to Newark and take a Zipcar to the Poconos. Easy!
SANTA CLAUS: I guess I technically could, but I will have been up all night, and I thought we were just going to relax at home, watch a torrent of the “Downton Abbey” Christmas special…
MRS. CLAUS: You can relax with my family. What? What is that look? Do you not enjoy being around my family?
SANTA CLAUS: No, no, they’re great. It’s just…
MRS. CLAUS: What?
SANTA CLAUS: They’re always telling me what they want to get next year and complaining about what I brought them this year.
MRS. CLAUS: Well, Derek did specifically ask for a Kindle, and you brought him a Nook.
SANTA CLAUS: If he wanted a Kindle so bad, he could have bought one himself. I mean, your libertarian cousin Randall is constantly telling me that I’m undermining the free market by giving out gifts and not paying my workers.
MRS. CLAUS: Well, I mean…
SANTA CLAUS: The elves are interns! This job is a once-in-a-lifetime educational experience.
MRS. CLAUS: I know. I know. That’s not the point anyway. The point is that it would mean a lot to my mother if we got to spend Christmas with her. We don’t know how many she has left.…
SANTA CLAUS: Jeez, O.K., maybe, maybe we could manage something.
MRS. CLAUS: And she’ll be so thrilled to have us at church!
SANTA CLAUS: Ah, yeah. I forgot about that part.
MRS. CLAUS: What?
SANTA CLAUS: You know, going to church on Christmas. Kind of takes the fun out of it.
Illustration by Victor Kerlow.
