BARISTA: Hello, sir, and welcome to Starbucks. How may I help you?
CUSTOMER: Hi, could I have a medium coffee, please?
BARISTA: You could do that, but perhaps I could interest you in an item from our new Evenings menu instead? It’s been quite popular with many of our market-research testing groups.
CUSTOMER: What’s on the menu? I don’t really love the big frappa-whatever things, to be honest.
BARISTA: Frappucino, sir. The menu is actually more alcohol-oriented—we serve beers and wines that we have handcrafted at the Starbucks vineyard factory. Just kidding—that’s a joke I like to tell. We buy them from real breweries and vineyards. Maybe I could get you a venti glass of Malbec?
CUSTOMER: Oh, I’m just here to do work, actually.
BARISTA: You look like a creative kind of guy. Lots of famous creative people drank a lot when they were working—Kerouac, Capote, Dylan Thomas, even. Don’t you want to be like them?
CUSTOMER: Weren’t all of their deaths alcohol related?
BARISTA: We can’t be sure.
CUSTOMER: I thought Dylan Thomas died while he was at a bar in New York.
BARISTA: We like to think that if he was alive today he’d choose to die at Starbucks, enjoying the Starbucks Evenings menu.
CUSTOMER: I’m still not convinced that I want a drink rather than a coffee.
BARISTA: What is a drink, even? We’re trying to break down barriers and unnecessary taboos in the beverage industry.
CUSTOMER: A drink contains alcohol. A coffee does not.
BARISTA: Ah, but what about an Irish Coffee?
CUSTOMER: That’s a coffee that someone puts alcohol into, making it a drink.
BARISTA: I think you’re starting to come around to the idea. Or am I misreading?
CUSTOMER: You are. I still don’t understand the concept—why would I want to get drunk at a Starbucks? Why wouldn’t I just go to a bar?
BARISTA: Can you be a complete douche and sit, typing on your laptop and only ordering one drink, all night at a bar?
CUSTOMER: Conceivably I could, but I’d rather not.
BARISTA: Voilà! Here you can do that without feeling guilty.
CUSTOMER: Any other reason?
BARISTA: We also have food options on our Evenings menu!
CUSTOMER: Not to sound rude, but the last time I got a bagel here you cut it in half vertically and gave me a frozen pack of cream cheese. Also, your sandwiches look like someone carried them in their back pocket for a day before they’re put out on display.
BARISTA: Cutting a bagel in an untraditional way is exactly what an untraditional company like Starbucks does to shake things up. The way that bagel was cut is a perfect metaphor for our Evenings menu.
CUSTOMER: O.K., so, what’s on the Evenings food menu?
BARISTA: Bacon-wrapped dates, for starters.
CUSTOMER: I guess that sounds like it might not be bad? Also, if I were here with a girl, I could always make a lame joke about eating dates on a date, and then figure out if she thought we were actually on a date.
BARISTA: Exactly—the focus groups came up with the same idea for a joke. And, if you’d like to make the evening even more romantic, we also have chocolate fondue that you can share with your spouse-to-be!
CUSTOMER: I’m sorry, the bacon dates might work for a casual drink, but Starbucks isn’t really what comes to mind when I think of lasting romance. I can’t envisage falling in love under lights as bright as this.
BARISTA: Actually, if you take a closer look, we have put dimmers on all of the lights to improve the atmosphere. Put that in your lasting romance and drink it!
CUSTOMER: You’re right, it is a bit darker than usual. Wait a minute, are those … used coffee filters that you’ve taped over the light bulbs? Isn’t that a fire hazard?
BARISTA: A grande coffee you wanted, right? Shall I leave room for milk?
Photograph: Newscast Limited/AP