Before Kickoff
Odds you will try to use the Super Bowl as justification to buy a bigger TV: 7-1
Odds you will succeed: 100-1
Odds someone you dislike at work will get a new TV this week and tell you about it: 6-1
Odds you develop a cold three days before the Super Bowl party you are hosting: 6-1
Odds your child will require an emergency-room visit on the Friday, Saturday, or Sunday before the kickoff because he or she “wanted to see what skateboarding on ice would be like”: 100-1
Odds someone at the party refers to the game as “The Stoner Bowl”: 2-1
Pre-Game Over-Unders
Number of times at work you’ll be asked whether you are “in the pool” or “Did you get a square?”: 6.5
Number of Super Bowl party invitations your co-workers will say they are weighing: 3.5
Number of invitations you receive to watch the Super Bowl: 1.5
Number of last-minute cancellations to your party: 5.5
Super Bowl Party Over-Unders
Times someone will mention the dip in your presence: 3.5
Alcoholic beverages you will have: 4.5
Alcoholic beverages your significant other will have: 6.5
Number of references to Obamacare during the party: 3.5
Number of times someone says “football widow”: 3.5
During the Game (All odds pay 3-1)
After the first quarter you will be:
After the first half you will be:
After the final whistle you will be:
TV Commercials
Odds the first TV ad is for a beer: 6-1
Odds the first TV ad is for a Web site you’ve never heard of: 3-1
Odds Apple debuts a really cool commercial with a song you’ve actually heard before:
200-1
Odds someone says, “The commercials are the best part of the Super Bowl”: No bets accepted
Halftime Show
Likelihood some variant of following conversation will occur:
Bruno Mars Trifecta:
**
After the Party
Minutes elapsed from the end of the game to the departure of the last guest: o/u 30 minutes
Time it will take to clean up: o/u 40 minutes
Odds you will be too zooted to clean up: 3-1
Odds you will fall asleep in front of the TV: 3-1
Odds you’ll have sex: 1000-1
Odds you’ll dream of the German au pair: No bets accepted
**
Monday Morning
Odds your wife/partner will say something about going to the movies and eating Chinese next year: 2-1
Odds you’ll get to work on time: 4-1
Odds you have of a winning square: 500-1
Odds someone you dislike at work has a winning square: No bets accepted
Seth Kaufman is the author of The King of Pain.
Photograph by Tim Tadder/Corbis.