Super Bowl XLVIII Bets

Before Kickoff

Odds you will try to use the Super Bowl as justification to buy a bigger TV: 7-1
Odds you will succeed: 100-1
Odds someone you dislike at work will get a new TV this week and tell you about it: 6-1
Odds you develop a cold three days before the Super Bowl party you are hosting: 6-1
Odds your child will require an emergency-room visit on the Friday, Saturday, or Sunday before the kickoff because he or she “wanted to see what skateboarding on ice would be like”: 100-1
Odds someone at the party refers to the game as “The Stoner Bowl”: 2-1

Pre-Game Over-Unders

Number of times at work you’ll be asked whether you are “in the pool” or “Did you get a square?”: 6.5
Number of Super Bowl party invitations your co-workers will say they are weighing: 3.5
Number of invitations you receive to watch the Super Bowl: 1.5
Number of last-minute cancellations to your party: 5.5

Super Bowl Party Over-Unders

Times someone will mention the dip in your presence: 3.5
Alcoholic beverages you will have: 4.5
Alcoholic beverages your significant other will have: 6.5
Number of references to Obamacare during the party: 3.5
Number of times someone says “football widow”: 3.5

During the Game (All odds pay 3-1)

After the first quarter you will be:

Happy
Depressed
Hopeful
Drinking heavily

After the first half you will be:

Drunk and happy
Drunk and depressed
Disturbed by your attraction to the German au pair from down the block
Resolved never to gamble again

After the final whistle you will be:

Convinced you’re a freakin’ genius
Convinced you’re a freakin’ moron
Convinced the German au pair from down the block wants your baby
Suicidal

TV Commercials

Odds the first TV ad is for a beer: 6-1
Odds the first TV ad is for a Web site you’ve never heard of: 3-1
Odds Apple debuts a really cool commercial with a song you’ve actually heard before:
200-1
Odds someone says, “The commercials are the best part of the Super Bowl”: No bets accepted

Halftime Show

Likelihood some variant of following conversation will occur:

Guest No. 1: Beyoncé rocked last year.
Guest No. 2: Beyoncé looked so trashy last year.
Guest No. 3: Yeah, where was her stripper pole?
Guest No. 4: Prince was great. Remember that? He really rocked.
No bets accepted

Bruno Mars Trifecta:

Pick the first three songs he will play in the exact order he will play them: 10-1
Odds that someone will mention Michael Jackson during his set: 2-1
Odds someone will mention the “wardrobe malfunction”: 2-1

**

After the Party

Minutes elapsed from the end of the game to the departure of the last guest: o/u 30 minutes
Time it will take to clean up: o/u 40 minutes
Odds you will be too zooted to clean up: 3-1
Odds you will fall asleep in front of the TV: 3-1
Odds you’ll have sex: 1000-1
Odds you’ll dream of the German au pair: No bets accepted

**

Monday Morning

Odds your wife/partner will say something about going to the movies and eating Chinese next year: 2-1
Odds you’ll get to work on time: 4-1
Odds you have of a winning square: 500-1
Odds someone you dislike at work has a winning square: No bets accepted

Seth Kaufman is the author of The King of Pain.

Photograph by Tim Tadder/Corbis.