Nov. 25th
Dear Senate Intelligence Committee Report on the Use of Torture,
Ugh, some days I just feel so GROSS!!! I look in the mirror and am like, “You’ll never amount to anything more than a senator from California and the chairperson of the United States Senate Select Committee on Intelligence and of the Caucus on International Narcotics Control, you loser!” Why can’t I be like Hillary, who gets whatever she wants, married the coolest guy in politics, and is a perennial front-runner for POTUS? I hate her. Even more than I hate myself, if that’s possible.
Dec. 8th
Dear Senate Intelligence Committee Report on the Use of Torture,
Walked right by Joe on Capitol Hill today! He was with all his Secret Service friends so I was too afraid to speak, but he winked and said, “Good to see you”!!! Spent the rest of the day watching YouTube videos of his “Meet the Press” appearances. OMG HE IS SO HOT WHEN HE DISCUSSES RAISING THE MINIMUM WAGE I THINK I AM GOING TO LITERALLY EXPLODE.
Dec. 21st
Dear Senate Intelligence Committee Report on the Use of Torture,
Last night, at the holiday mixer, I had one too many white-wine spritzers and started revealing BIG classified secrets to the junior senators, like who was behind 9/11 and the truth about vaccines and how we forged Obama’s birth certificate. Thank God Claire (D-MO) cut me off just before I let the cat out of the bag about J.F.K.. The rest of the party got really weird. Saxby (R-GA) admitted he liked the tax reforms of Lisa (R-AK), and we were all, “Do you just like the tax reforms, or do you like them like them?” and he got defensive and said he couldn’t comment on it any further without his chief of staff present. Then Dick (D-IL) mentioned he was going to cosponsor a bill with Bernie (D-VT) aiding independent dairy farmers, and John (R-AZ) and all the Republican guys from the Midwest called them longhair socialists, and it turned into this huge partisan fight with tons of across-the-aisle mudslinging, and I started crying. Of course, THAT’S when Joe decided to drop in. He was soooo cool about it, though. He shut them up by saying, “As Vice-President, I’m breaking the tie on this one, boys.” And then he wiped my tears with a cocktail napkin and said, “No use crying over fractious Senate deliberations on milk subsidies, kiddo.” I would let him impeach me if he wanted to.
Jan. 1st
Dear Senate Intelligence Committee Report on the Use of Torture,
Another New Year’s Eve alone. Well, not technically alone—I was at a fundraiser for Tom (D-IA), who attempted to flirt with me all night, telling me my pantsuit looked “senatorial” and that he admired my last filibuster for its “elegance and stamina.” He’s a nice guy, but he’s too nice, you know what I mean? He’d never do anything all that bad, like smoke on camera or say what he was really thinking at a press conference or engage in a backroom arms deal with a rogue terrorist organization. I spent the whole night looking in vain for Joe. He was probably at Barack’s exclusive White House party, which Hillary bragged endlessly about snagging an invite to. Claire was trying to get me to crash it, but the holidays have really packed on the pounds and I looked HIDEOUS, so I just went home and watched footage of Joe’s ’08 primary debates. He can be a little arrogant when he talks about his unmatched foreign-policy experience … but I kind of like that.
Feb. 14th
Dear Senate Intelligence Committee Report on the Use of Torture,
I know I sound obsessed, but today I happened to see Joe when I was at the White House to enlist Barack’s support for Section 3.1.C of S.2174. O.K., O.K., I didn’t “happen” to see him—I waited for an hour outside his office, pretending to be on a phone call about Putin, until he came out and I acted all surprised to see him. He asked if I had any plans for Valentine’s Day and I told him I was just going to spend a quiet night at home reviewing the latest C.B.O. data. “Lovely lady like you should be out in Georgetown in a red dress and a limo,” he said before he got called into a Committee on Foreign Relations meeting. HE HAS SO MUCH GRAVITAS.
Mar. 3rd
Dear Senate Intelligence Committee Report on the Use of Torture,
First my new bill concerning military pensions gets squashed by nearly everyone—even Claire. Thanks a lot, BFF. Then, just when I find the time to binge-watch “House of Cards” so I can understand what everyone’s talking about in the Dirksen Senate Office Building cafeteria, my Netflix account stops working. I think my day is FINALLY turning around when I’m placed onto an environmental subcommittee with Joe. Except when I raise my hand to speak, he says, “The chair recognizes, uh, the distinguished gentlewoman from, um…” I know he’s gaffe-prone and everything, but now I wonder if he even knows my name.
I was so depressed that I texted Tom to get a drink at Cafe Milano. He talked about health-care minutiae all night while I sucked down four Chardonnay spritzers. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Hillary was there with Bill. Before they left, she looked at Tom and, with a smirk on her stupid face, whispered in my ear, “Strange bedfellows, huh?”
I went home and drunk-Tweeted @JoeBiden and @VP, thanking him for his forward-thinking leadership on global warming. No response. This was easily THE WORST DAY IN U.S. HISTORY.
Mar. 10th
Dear Senate Intelligence Committee Report on the Use of Torture,
Joe retweeted my post from last week and started following me! I would’ve been happy if he’d just favorited it! I’m going to e-mail the link to Hillary, then be like, “Oops, I meant to send you an op-ed about campaign-finance reform, I must’ve accidentally copied-and-pasted that RT from Joe, which shows that he knows who I am. Hope all’s well and that Bill’s staying away from the interns! ;)”
He’s so dreamy—I can’t think of a single Democrat who’s more charismatic, quicker on his feet, and better connects to red-state males alienated by the federal government thanks to his working-class origins in Scranton…
Senator Dianne Feinstein Biden
Mrs. Dianne Biden
Madame First Lady Dianne Biden!!!
Teddy Wayne is the author of the novel “The Love Song of Jonny Valentine,” now out in paperback.
Photograph by Tom Williams/CQ Roll Call/Getty.
