Further research has been done in this intriguing area, and the results are in.
Ways in which conservatives express extreme happiness:
-They waggle their jowls.
-They kiss their spouses passionately on the forehead or the cheek.
-A male conservative will snap his suspenders and shout “Yowza!” A female conservative will offer a tight, chilly smile and almost touch her hair.
Ways in which liberals express extreme happiness:
-They make independent films about how happiness is expressed through batik fabrics in Third World countries, despite fracking.
-They dance wildly in public, which causes their children to use heroin.
-The men bake something, and then the women write a personal essay about how a man baking isn’t enough, and how, in fact, it’s condescending and offensive.
Causes of clinical depression in conservatives:
-The thought of two people of the same gender getting married and wearing—what the hell do those people wear, anyway? Matching scarves and rainbow jumpsuits?
-The thought of an illegal immigrant receiving a free measles vaccine and then taking Sunday off.
-The thought of a teen-age girl aborting a child who might have grown up to buff a conservative’s Mercedes with a chamois.
Items of clothing that make liberals burst with pleasure:
-A Portuguese hemp poncho bought at a street fair and worn to a wedding.
-A rawhide bracelet knotted with an amber bead bought at Burning Man, where fifty per cent of the purchase price goes to fight the use of drones and preservatives.
-A T-shirt with a silk-screened Warhol-style picture of Edward Snowden, worn on the elliptical machine.
Things that cause conservatives to laugh uproariously:
-Any comic who talks about the differences between men and women, because it’s all just so damn true.
-When an evangelical pastor makes a pun.
-When a conservative candidate deliberately mispronounces “Hillary,” calling her “Shillary” or “Pillary.”
Things that cause liberals to weep bitter tears:
-Any photograph of Sarah Palin without a sarcastic caption.
-Any sitcom that features only a single minority character and a thin, blond female lead. In 2015? Really, people?
-The use of gender-specific pronouns, and the failure to acknowledge that a newborn baby might be transgender.
Young conservatives are made especially happy by:
-Just knowing that, on a conservative scale, forty-six is still considered young.
-Turning down offers of marijuana, a free weekend of Showtime, and a trip to New York City, because a young conservative would rather play golf with his dad and maybe learn something.
-Rocking out to Katy Perry while studying for the L.S.A.T., watching Fox News on an iPad, and trying to decide which of these activities is the most fun.
Young liberals are made especially happy by:
-All liberals are young. Just ask one.
Things that would make a conservative and a liberal equally happy:
-If all of their children got into their first-choice school but didn’t have to room together.
-If no one ever challenged them to find Syria on a map.
-The trailer for the new “Star Wars” movie. ♦
