Dog Owner Training 101

Welcome, new dog parents. Bringing your furry friend home is just the beginning of your journey into smug dog ownership. But, as we all know, getting the most self-righteous satisfaction out of this beautiful bond takes training—specifically, eight weeks of training at an inconveniently located makeshift classroom in the back of a carpentry warehouse in Gowanus. In order to be the best dog owner you can show other people you can be, you must embrace the cardinal rule of holier-than-thou puppy parenting: make all other dog owners feel inferior.

Just as in business and personal relationships, the best way to raise your standing in the canine community is to make everyone else look like garbage. We’ll spend this first training class honing our judgmental stares and passive-aggressive questions before moving on to the more advanced lessons: writing negative Yelp reviews of dog salons and spending more money on your dog’s food than you spend on your own.

Let’s begin. How many of you purchased your dog from a pet store? Oh. I see. You know that those dogs come from puppy mills, right? There are millions of dogs being sentenced to death because people like you insist on breeding new dogs for pet stores instead of adopting the beautiful creatures that already exist. I mean, I’m sure your dog is great, but I know I couldn’t live with myself thinking of the dog I could have saved instead.

See how my initial question made—what’s your name? Linda?—made Linda feel like she could respond without judgment, and then, the moment she did, I presented her with criticism that made her feel ashamed? To achieve this behavior, it’s very important that you present the criticism immediately after the admission has been made, or the person you’re speaking to could become confused and think you approve of her detestable life choices.

Let’s try a harder challenge now. How many of you crate train your dogs? Good! Most of you. Your dogs need to have their own space. When your sweet puppy is in her crate, does she ever cry … Claudia? Yeah, that’s because you’ve left her sad and alone in a prison. Just because your dog needs its own space doesn’t mean you should abandon her. If your dog is in a crate, you should be sitting huddled on the floor beside that crate until she’s peacefully asleep, every night. Anything else would be inhumane, Claudia.

Now, what I did there was lull Claudia into a state of false confidence in her dog-mommying abilities, then swiftly replaced that feeling with crushing guilt. A lot of dog owners make the mistake of thinking that only patently evil people like Linda require constant shaming, but that’s not true. Even members of PETA have done something wrong, and it’s your job to point out those wrongdoings every chance you get. The only way to instill consistent self-doubt is through repetition, repetition, repetition.

I think we’re ready to move on to some field exercises now. If you could spread out around the room with your dog by your side, we’re going to practice giving critical side-eye glances to anyone who appears to be tugging her dog’s leash too hard, and also—this is a tricky balance to strike, but I know you can do it—to anyone who isn’t keeping enough control over her dog. Just take a few laps around the room while alternating brow position between a furious furrow and a quizzical lift. Not you, Linda. You haven’t earned it.

During the next lap, I’d like you to make your first attempt at seemingly pleasant but actually very rude small talk. Your new life as a smug dog owner will involve lots of forced conversations with strangers, and it’s important that you never miss a chance to make these people feel terrible while they’re picking up another creature’s fecal matter at six-thirty in the morning.

Some helpful phrases to get you started are, “Oh, I read you should never use that type of collar”; “Poor puppy looks like he’s not getting enough water. Don’t worry, he can have some that I brought”; and, “That holistic salmon treat may actually contain harmful preservatives. It’s important to do your research, Claudia.”

What happens if someone tries to shame you? That’s a good question, Linda. Of course, in your case, there’s nothing to be done because you deserve everything that’s coming to you, but the others may sometimes feel that they are being subjected to unjust ridicule from their dog-owning peers.

I’m afraid I can’t help you there, unfortunately, because I’m not personally familiar with the experience of dog-ownership guilt. When I take out Gloria Steinem, my eleven-year-old pit-bull-mix rescue who lost her eyes to cancer and her legs to abuse, and is really just a patchy-haired torso I carry around in a Baby Bjorn, people tend to be pretty impressed with my selfless commitment.

Photograph by H. Armstrong Roberts/Retrofile/Getty.