The subject of renewing the extension of unemployment benefits can be tricky for the party of personal and fiscal responsibility. Here are some tips to help you navigate this potential minefield:
If a constituent tells you that he is unemployed, do not laugh. Odds are, his situation is not funny to him. Still, if you want to be absolutely sure he isn’t joking around, you can ask him what job he previously held. If he says something like “F.B.I.—female-body inspector” then it was a goof after all, and the two of you can share a chuckle. If he says that he worked in a factory or a mine, it only sounds like a joke, and you should not laugh.
Once you have verified that he is actually unemployed, tell him you’re sorry that he lost his job. Do not roll your eyes while you are telling him this. Do not do air quotes when you say the word “sorry.” If you are having trouble not doing air quotes, try clenching a small shard of broken glass in each of your hands. If all else fails, imagine that, instead of a gross unemployed person, you are talking to Ronald Reagan. And imagine that, instead of whining, the gross unemployed person is reading to you aloud from “Atlas Shrugged.” Pretend that he is already fifty-five pages into the big John Galt speech and that you feel sad because it’s nearly half over. Note: Be careful when using the imaginary Reagan-“Atlas Shrugged” trick. In these situations, there is such a thing as too much crying.
If a female constituent tells you that she’s unemployed, do not thank her for helping to return America to its traditional values. This woman likely wanted to have a job outside of the home for some reason. You must remember that these days women often work and have their own bank accounts and wear denim slacks (“jeans”). Also, I know I say this in every memo, but please resist the urge to tell this unemployed woman your views on what constitutes rape.
When speaking to any person who is unemployed, do not just start listing jobs he should do off the top of your head. He may have already thought of some of these jobs. Others might not be real jobs (i.e. female-body inspector). Whatever you do, do not offer him ten thousand dollars to become your “human footstool.”
When referring to the unemployed collectively, it is best to avoid the following terms: “bums,” “scums,” “serfs,” “those people,” “poors,” “people I fired,” and “Morlocks.” In most instances, calling this group “job-seekers” or “moochers” will suffice.
To speak effectively on this subject, it is important that you come across as empathetic. Feel free to discuss your own past employment struggles. Maybe you spent the summer before business school managing a factory floor owned by one of your father’s corporations. Or maybe there was no position available, so you were forced to suck it up and take a low-paying job backpacking across Europe. The moochers will eat this up. Bootstrap stories like this make them think that one day they could be where you are. Do not laugh at this idea.
If someone wants to know what your plan for the unemployed is, do not simply run away. Nor should you steeple your fingers and say “Plan? Plan! You fool, this is the plan!” Instead, clearly explain, point by point, the G.O.P.’s solution for addressing the current joblessness and inequality crisis. Look, if you don’t already know the details of this solution, how is that my fault? Obviously, I don’t have time to write it all out for you here. It’s very complicated, and I’m super busy writing memos and doing other things. Please nobody e-mail me about this.
If you are directly asked whether you will vote to let unemployment benefits expire for millions of Americans, point out that it’s awfully cold / hot today. Declare your belief that your state or district’s professional sports team is likely to be pretty good this year. If your state or district does not have a professional sports team, run away.
Illustration by Ed Nacional.
