Q: What is the Spinster Agenda?
A: A plot being carried out by unmarried women between the ages of twenty-two and ninety with the aim of quietly taking over the world.
Q: Oh, come on. Is a pack of unmarried women really that dangerous?
A: Do not underestimate the Spinsters. A Spinster may appear tame—more interested in updating Austen Text Us (her online book club) than engaging in fierce battle. This is a front. Spinsters are highly trained in the arts of deception, camouflage, and hand-to-hand combat. Never turn your back on a Spinster, not even after she suggests you watch one of the “not-so-gross” episodes of “Orange Is the New Black” together.
Q: Wait, “camouflage”? How might a Spinster disguise herself?
A: Common covers include high-school English teacher, aunt who just got back from Machu Picchu, publishing intern, assistant stage manager, vice-president at Google, and auditor of summer classes on the Modernist tradition.
Q: What are some of the goals of the Spinster Agenda?
A: Increasing the prominence of women in the government, a greater reliance on bike-share programs, the elimination of lonely cats, better television adaptations of the Brontë sisters’ work, further research into cloning Benedict Cumberbatch, the immediate green-lighting of an Emma Thompson and Colin Firth movie with lots of clothed sex that’s set in the eighteen hundreds, Glynis Johns in her “Mary Poppins” costume on the hundred-dollar bill, world peace.
Q: Are married heterosexual women the natural enemies of Spinsters?
A: Not at all. Married women are often the most sympathetic to Spinster causes, a sentiment best expressed by the slogan of the Married Women Division of the Spinster Agenda: “Only Conceding the Point at Home!”
Q: Are married heterosexual men the natural enemies of Spinsters?
A: Yes. However, there are some mutual interests—“Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” baseball, lug wrenches—which can provide opportunities for bridge-building between the two camps.
Q: Who are the Spinsters’ natural allies?
A: The Spinster Agenda shares many goals with the Gay Agenda, particularly regarding the objective of producing more Hello Kitty-branded appliances. The Spinster Agenda is also closely aligned with the Hipster Agenda, as the two groups share a deep interest in artisanal mayonnaise diversification. The Agendas part ways on the wearing of skinny jeans, however, and this has so far proven a non-negotiable sticking point.
Q: What weapons does a Spinster favor?
A: A Spinster will first use her highly developed Appearance of Timidity to avoid conflict. If faced with continued attack, she will turn to her Affable Good Nature and attempt to neutralize the situation by agreeing with you. If you do not drop the issue, she will try to defuse the conflict, often by crying. Should you press on, the Spinster will be forced to deploy her arsenal’s biggest guns: exact recollections of anything you’ve ever said or done in front of her, and verbal jujitsu. A severely angered Spinster will rip your heart out and eat it, then burn your body in the crematorium located in the poetry section of every public library.
Q: How can I recognize a Spinster?
A: It becomes harder to recognize Spinsters, the more powerful they become. However, all Spinsters will shudder when you mention “Outlander.”
Q: What if I want to attract a Spinster? Are there ways I can make my home or workplace more inviting for her?
A: The best way to attract a Spinster is to seek her assistance. Successful strategies have included: asking a Spinster to help you check the air in your car’s tires, telling a Spinster that your pet seems down and you’d love it if she would take a look, mentioning that you read Rebecca Solnit’s latest book and you don’t quite get it but you want to, and explaining that you need help navigating Etsy. Make sure to clarify that there’s “no pressure” to stop by but that you are planning on making chocolate-chip cookies.
Q: What if I catch a Spinster red-handed, advancing the Agenda? What should I do?
A: Maybe help her with it? Honestly, the worst that could happen is an improvement in the quality of ballpoint pens and prepackaged granolas.
Q: What if I want to join the Spinster Agenda? What should I do?
A: The easiest way to enlist is to hang around your local yarn shop until someone recruits you. However, if you prefer to be less conspicuous, know that simply watching all of the episodes of “Orphan Black” on your streaming device will alert the Spinster Agenda that you wish to join, and someone will be in touch.
