[audio url="https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/221754909"]
ME: I need you to buckle up back there, buddy.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: I just do.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because I want you to be safe.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because I care about you.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because you’re my sister’s son. And I care about her.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because I just do.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because, I guess, when I was born, she was three years old and, like any younger sibling, I put her on a pedestal.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: I probably idealized her, which is strange considering that your mom was not very nice to me.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: She probably felt a mix of confusing emotions.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: She was an only child, and when I came along she was forced to share everything.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: We each had needs, and I think it was difficult for our parents to satisfy us both.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because needs are so ephemeral. I think it was Maslow who said, “It’s a rare and difficult psychological achievement to know what we want.”
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because he was writing at a time when social psychology was bending toward humanism and self-actualization.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because there was this trend in post-Freudian studies of behavior that was vastly underexamined in Western psychology.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because the world was still sorting everything out. Well, not the whole world. The East, in its way, had already found answers.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because their societies were more fixed.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Probably because of the Mongols. They unified these huge swaths of cultures by force.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: I guess they thought that amassing land was important.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because there’s this very base, faux-masculine need to win. And, at that time, conquering land was how you won.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because it was the most explicit form of achievement. Today we value amassing currency.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because it’s easier than invading a country. But in some ways it could be just as dangerous, if not more.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because there’s a finite amount of land. But currency expands exponentially.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Partly due to the nature of the economy, but also because of some ill-conceived relationships between the developing world and economic organizations—the World Bank, the I.M.F. Look at Zimbabwe.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because it’s a good example of how inflation can ravage a country. People were literally taking wheelbarrows of cash to buy a loaf of bread.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because there was a power-hungry dictator with failed land-reform policies.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because he was trying—at first it seemed earnestly—to redirect his predominantly black populace to a more empowered place.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because for so long it had been a white colony, Rhodesia, with generations of horrible disenfranchisement.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because there was a scramble for power. Which goes back to what we were saying about the Mongols.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: It’s the nature of man. And, I guess, in some ways, I’m a victim of this unquenchable thirst.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Well, I’ve made some bad decisions.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: I don’t know. It’s easy to blame the “system”—capitalism, pioneer culture in the United States, what Chomsky called “economic fascism”—but it’s probably my own fault.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because I had opportunities to take a different path, but for some reason I felt compelled to chase the elusive dollar. You know, I actually wanted to be a philosophy major.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: It’s totally corny, but as a teen-ager I loved Immanuel Kant.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: No one’s ever asked me that before, little guy. But I guess I loved how simple he made everything.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because Kant gave concrete answers to complicated problems, and that was comforting.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because I had tons of questions about morality and ethics.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: You know, I haven’t talked about this in years, but I spent some time in a juvenile detention center when I was twelve.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because they accused me of breaking into school in the middle of the night and setting fire to one of the classrooms.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because my parents reported me missing that night, and the classroom that was set on fire was my math classroom, and it was the night after a big math test. So I seemed like the obvious suspect.
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because everything pointed to me. But I didn’t do it!
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because I didn’t care if I failed that test!
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because I didn’t care about getting good grades!
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because it’s not like, if I got a bad grade on that math test, then I wouldn’t get into a good college and wouldn’t get a good job and would die penniless and starving!
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: O.K.! I did it! I burned down that classroom!
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because I was panicked. I knew I failed that test. But I was twelve! I made a mistake!
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because I’m human! I’m fallible! I just wanted to be loved!
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because we live in this crazy world where we have to fight for every scrap, and I’m constantly scared that, if I slow down, life is just gonna pass me by. Everything moves so quickly, so chaotically, so uncaringly fast, threatening at all times to mow us down or overtake us. And so I speed up, too! I join the rat race! I know it’s unhealthy, I know it’s wrong, but I can’t slow down. It’s why I burned down that school! It’s why I blame everything on the Mongols and the World Bank and the I.M.F. and Robert Mugabe and Cecil Rhodes and Immanuel Kant and Freud and Maslow and Chomsky and your mother! But it’s me. It’s just me! That’s why I wanted you to strap in. I wanted you to strap in because the “seat belt” is just a frail bandage holding together my reckless life!
MY NEPHEW: Why?
ME: Because I’m damaged. I’m in pain! And I’m not gonna get better. Not without real help. So can you strap in? Just for now?
MY NEPHEW: O.K.
ME: Thanks, little buddy. Thanks a lot.
This is an excerpt from Jesse Eisenberg’s book, “Bream Gives Me Hiccups,” which will be published on September 8th by Grove Press, an imprint of Grove Atlantic, Inc. Copyright © 2015 by Jesse Eisenberg.
