This is an agreement between Juice Your Own Adventure and ________ (hereafter referred to as the Juicee).
WHEREAS, the Juicee has acknowledged purchase of the Kale-ing Me Softly Clean Mean Green Canteen (hereafter referred to as the Juice) from Juice Your Own Adventure; and
WHEREAS, the Juicee will now be exiting the store in possession of the Juice.
NOW, THEREFORE, the Juicee makes the following agreements:
1. Taste
Under no circumstances will the Juicee ever refer to the actual taste or the temperature of the juice. Acceptable responses to the question “Sure it’s full of vegetables, but how does it taste?” are “I feel great”; “It’s just good to know I’m getting so many vegetables at once”; and “It’s very full of vegetables.”
2. Cost
Under no circumstances is the Juicee to complain about or negatively refer to the cost of the Juice. It is agreed upon by both the Juicee and Juice Your Own Adventure that $10.95 is a reasonable amount of money to pay for what is effectively tepid soup. If/when the cost of the Juice is brought up by others, please see Section 1 (“Taste”), above, for acceptable responses. The Juicee acknowledges that it really is good to know that he/she is getting so many vegetables at once.
3. Instagram and Social-Media Disclosure
Upon purchasing the Juice, the Juicee will immediately share this purchase with his/her social-media circle via no fewer than two (2) posts, at least one (1) of which will use the phrase “antioxidant explosion.” The Juicee is also invited to misuse the words “Namaste” and “Ayurvedic” in one or both posts. Juice Your Own Adventure reserves the right to repost this content using the hashtag #vitamazing, as well as making a reference to “day one” of the Juicee’s “transformation.”
4. Extras
In the event that the Juicee purchases a “booster shot,” he/she promises to:
(a) Bring up “spirulina” in at least three (3) unrelated conversations in the course of the day. (For additional instructions regarding pressed green powders, see Matcha Addendum, p. 5.)
(b) Showily take the stairs at work, crediting the power of raw ginger out loud, to no one in particular.
(c) Ask employer to rescind all remaining sick days, citing an “immuno boost” from turmeric.
(d) Spend too long describing the texture of cold-pressed olive oil hitting the back of the throat to a largely disgusted significant other.
5. Consideration of a Cleanse
The Juicee will immediately begin researching multi-day cleanses, e-mailing links to various options to uninterested friends with the subject line “Should we?” The Juicee will consider the purchase of a six-hundred-dollar blender. The Juicee will map out a week’s worth of meals consisting only of liquids derived from beets, tubers, and curd-based proteins. (Note: Actual participation in a cleanse not necessary or recommended.)
6. Fitness
Juice Your Own Adventure and the Juicee mutually agree that the Juicee does not have to go to the gym today, or maybe ever. From a legal standpoint, drinking a green juice is the same thing as doing between six and twelve hours of high-impact cardio.
7. Suspicious-Looking Sample Clause
In the event that the Juicee is offered a sample of a “rare-root blend” that is “basically exactly like coffee,” Juice Your Own Adventure acknowledges the Juicee’s right to get the hell out of there—that is a trap. ♦