Back-Yard Bird Talk

Illustration by Roz Chast

Cast:

Sarah (house sparrow)

Fred (tufted titmouse)

Carl (woodpecker)

Jimmy (cardinal)

Sarah: Did you see that crow earlier? He looked mean. Maybe not as mean as that crow from yesterday. I wonder if they know each other. I don’t like crows. The neighbor over there just pulled out his lawnmower. It’s going to be noisy for a while. Hey! There’s a bug! I’m gonna get him. Shit. He flew away. I can’t believe I’m hungry again. I just ate. I ate, like, ten worms, and they weren’t even that good. If I keep this up, I’m going to weigh a pound. Look! There’s Jimmy! Let’s fly over and say hi.

Fred: Who’s Jimmy? I don’t know Jimmy. Why do you think I know Jimmy? I’m staying on this branch. This is the best branch. O.M.G. I’ve never sat on a more fantastic branch in my life. I like most branches, but this one really takes the cake. It’s comfy. Some branches aren’t so comfy. Too many twigs, or the bark is peeling off in a weird way. This one’s really leafy, too. Can you believe how sunny and warm it is? This is so great. This is one sweet branch. I feel good. I am really happy right now.

Carl: Shut up, shut up, shut up. Please, for the love of God, just shut up.

Sarah: Jimmy is a cardinal. You met Jimmy yesterday. I’m hungry. Is this leaf food? No. I’m flying to that house over there. They’ve got a hanging thing with seed in it, and I’m going to eat a bunch of seed. I can’t wait. I’m salivating. Oh, boy. Here comes Jimmy. Maybe I won’t fly just yet. I like Jimmy even though he’s a cardinal. There’s a plane up there.

Fred: Jimmy is so red! How can a bird be that red? It’s not right. Birds shouldn’t be red. I’m not red. I’m gray and brown. Why is he so red? That bothers me. He’s too red. I’m scared. I don’t like his face. It’s a scary face. I love this branch, but I’m scared of Jimmy’s face. Why does he look like that? I’m going to a branch far away from Jimmy, but also where I can keep looking at him. This branch seems O.K. Yes. This is pretty good, I think.

Carl: Say, Fred. Do you ever have a thought and not express it?

Fred: No. You know what? This branch isn’t as good as my old branch. I want to fly back to the old branch, but the old branch is too close to Jimmy, and his face is still scary. I don’t know what to do. Go away, Jimmy! Go away! There’s something shiny on the ground. It’s not a stick. I don’t like it. What is it? Oh. It’s a beer can. I wish Jimmy weren’t here. Go away, Jimmy!

Jimmy: Hey, hey, people! Look alive, ’cause Jimmy’s back in town! I’m the best bird for miles and miles. Big bad Jimmy’s back on the prowl. If you don’t like it, you can lump it. Jimmy’s the name, symmetry’s the game. Sarah! Hey, Mama! Lookin’ good! I can tell you’ve been preening!

Sarah: Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Hey, Jimmy! Over here! Go away, pine siskin! Beat it! No, not you, Jimmy! I’m yelling at the siskin! I’m not yelling at you! Jimmy! Jimmy! I love you! Let’s ditch this Popsicle stand!

Carl: You guys are morons.

Jimmy: Yo, guys! Check out my crest! Can you believe how huge it is? Have you ever seen such a thing of beauty? Dig it! Eyes on the crest, people!

Fred: I’ve got a crest, too.

Jimmy: What are you, nuts? You gotta be kidding! That’s a tiny crest! A tiny stupid titmouse crest! It’s not even a crest—it’s a tuft ! Ha! Ha! You’re a teeny tiny titmouse, Fred, and that is one teeny tiny titmouse tuft.

Carl: Why me, Lord? Why me?

Sarah: Hey, Jimmy! Are you hungry? There’s a pond not too far from here. We could fly there in a heartbeat, and go for a dip and see what develops. Siskin! Go away! Damn it! There are berry bushes near the pond. We could go to the pond and eat berries. Check me out. I have pretty feathers. Lady cardinals are a stupid color, Jimmy. Nobody likes that color. It’s not even a real color. There’s that neighbor’s cat. He’s a sneak thief.

Fred: Hey, Sarah. I found a bug. This looks like a tasty one. You can have it.

Sarah: Fred, stop talking to me.

Jimmy: This is boring. I’m off. Bye.

Sarah: Jimmy! Jimmy! Don’t leave! Damn it! He flew away. Fred, I don’t want that bug, Fred. I’m sick of bugs. I ate nineteen bugs already today. Look, the people at that house are having a picnic in their back yard. Last week, I found part of a hot dog on the ground. It was so great. It’s going to rain. Look at the cloud over there.

Fred: I like you, Sarah. You can eat this bug I found for you. I think you’ll like this bug. He looks like a juicy one. I never saw such a good bug, and it’s for you, Sarah.

Sarah: Fred, come here with that bug right now. Go away, siskin! Get lost!

Fred: O.K. Here I come with the bug! I’m coming, Sarah! Hold on, I’m almost there! Don’t fly away! Fuck. I dropped the bug. I’m such an idiot.

Sarah: Never mind, Fred. I’m outta here. Goodbye, Fred. Goodbye, Carl.

Fred: Bye, Sarah. Oh, oh, oh. Why was I ever born?

Carl: Come on, Fred. Let’s go to that tree over there before it starts to pour.

Fred: O.K., Carl. ♦