- What is a cisgender person?
(a) Someone whose gender identity matches the sex that he or she was assigned at birth.
(b) Someone who most likely had never heard the word “cisgender” until he or she read this.
(c) Someone who will now start observing his or her spouse’s or co-workers’ behavior, rolling his or her eyes and muttering, “Typical cisgender.”
- A “bear” is a sturdy, hairy gay man, while an “otter” is a slimmer version of a bear. What is a “muskrat”?
(a) An even smaller gay man whom bears and otters wear as a corsage.
(b) An otter who forgot to bathe.
(c) Someone only slightly less disturbing than a weasel.
- “Butch” and “femme” are traditional terms used within the lesbian community. What is a gay woman who’s too exhausted to wear either flannel or lipstick?
(a) A paralegal.
(b) Your last girlfriend, whose name you can’t remember, but it sounded like either Janet or Janice.
(c) Ryan Seacrest.
- The Republican congressman Aaron Schock has been suspected of being a closeted homosexual because he appeared shirtless on the cover of Men’s Health, wears pink gingham, and has an office decorated like “Downton Abbey.” What else about Schock seems to indicate gayness?
(a) The fact that he refers to having sex with men as “crossing the aisle.”
(b) His habit of voting for a bill by squealing, “I love that!”
(c) His formal request for increased military funding to provide “tons more of those totally cute little short shorts that Bradley Cooper wears in ‘American Sniper.’ Yumbo!”
- In response to the release of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” sex-toy retailers are stocking up on products aimed at the film’s primary audience, middle-aged women. What are some of these products?
(a) Plus-size handcuffs.
(b) Erotic lubricants flavored like Doritos.
(c) Whips that can also be used to swat mosquitoes away from a tray of heart-shaped cupcakes.
- What did Kim Kardashian say when she heard the news that her stepfather, Bruce Jenner, planned to transition?
(a) “He better not do anything to his butt.”
(b) “He should do a sex tape first, to introduce his new brand.”
(c) “I will be proud to invite her to my next wedding.”
- Mike Huckabee has stated that he can be friends with people “who have life styles that are not necessarily my life style.” He has also compared gay marriage to legalizing polygamy or incest. What else has Huckabee said regarding human sexuality?
(a) “My research proves that bisexuals are just Democrats who want to vote twice.”
(b) “There’s nothing in the Bible that says a man can’t marry a pie.”
(c) “If I wear frilly lace panties, does that entitle me to use the women’s rest room? Because then I’m fine with it.”
- If you come out to your mother as an insatiable power bottom, how will she respond?
(a) “Mazel tov!”
(b) “Just like your father!”
(c) “My plan worked!”
- If an F.T.M. trans person, a gay male power bottom, and a cisgender asexual have an orgy, what happens?
(a) HBO passes.
(b) Everyone says that they really liked this week’s book except for the ending.
(c) Hillary wins. ♦
