“Spooked chickens, square eggs.”
“Big-headed baby, college-scholarship gravy.”
“Can’t call a frying pan a Studebaker and expect me to skip to church.”
“About as useful as a 401(k) for a dog.”
“Easy as rolling a big wooden barrel down a hill through a kids’ soccer game.”
“This is just like the grasshopper and the ant. Google it.”
“You can bring a parrot on a first date, but don’t expect him not to repeat the things you say about Mother.”
“If wishes were horses, there’d be a lot of people with chlamydia and a horse to worry about, too.”
“Sell a man a big wooden barrel, but don’t be surprised when he rolls it down a hill through a kids’ soccer game.”
“Blood Sugar Sex Magik.”
“It’s hot enough to explode a crow.”
“There’s more than one way to get a big wooden barrel, even after they put your picture up at Home Depot.”
“Never judge a book by its cover, even if it’s called ‘Shit Book’ or ‘The Bad Book. Ugh. Awful ... Just Awful_._’ ”
“You can roll a big wooden barrel down a hill right through a kids’ soccer game, but you can’t hide in the woods from the cops forever.”
“Ornery as a ... actually, you know what? The racial connotations of this one, archaic though they may be, aren’t really doing anyone any favors, re: fostering a more progressive society.”
“Roll a big wooden barrel down a hill through a kids’ soccer game once, shame on me; roll a big wooden barrel down a hill through a kids’ soccer game five consecutive Saturdays, and it’s a possible felony charge? Really?”
“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and Erik is pretty cool but he’s more of a work acquaintance, so keep him pretty close, sometimes.”
“Here today, here tomorrow. I mean, it’s a pretty big rock.”
“Dishonest as padding the word count of a humor article. Tuba. Wheelbarrow.”
“Judge not, lest ye be judged. And lest ye be judged by Judge McCaskell, ye will find that one year of probation pending a psych evaluation and a restraining order that mentions sports complexes and wooden barrels over three gallons in capacity is really pretty fair, considering.”
“Camping is for assholes.”
