Operation Hoosier Rainbow 69
Target: Indiana
The Plan: Enforce gay marriage throughout the state of Indiana.
Evidence: A child in Muncie colored a map of the state hot pink.
Operation Cheeto Dust 420
Target: Colorado
The Plan: Legalize marijuana, crippling the state with rampant laziness.
Evidence: (a) Burnt toast that looks a little bit like the pyramid on the dollar bill. (b) Some dudes said that they saw some other dudes hanging around here. (c) There are drones, like, everywhere.
Operation Donkey Sauce 49
Target: The Food Network
The Plan: Persuade at-home cooks and barbecue enthusiasts to infuse our food supply with birth control and feminism.
Evidence: An annotated version of the network’s 2016 lineup listed suspicious show titles including “Guy Fieri’s Road Abortions,” “Lesbian Obamacare Food-Truck Wars,” and “The Barefoot Contessa’s At-Home-Birth Brunch.”
Operation Magic Kingdom 22
Target: Florida
The Plan: Infiltrate the Sunshine State by disguising left-leaning U.N. peacekeeping operatives as Disney employees.
Evidence: Leaked government maps of Disney World reveal that Main Street, U.S.A. will be rerouted through the Maharajah Jungle Trek. Also, the first letters of select Disney princess names spell out SCARAB (Snow White, Cinderella, Ariel, Rapunzel, Aurora, Belle), a Middle Eastern artifact.
Operation Beaver Accent 28
Target: Canada
The Plan: Build an underground pipeline from China to Canada in order to pit the two countries against each other, allowing them to duke it out while the U.S. bitchily hangs up the other line.
Evidence: A BuzzFeed personality quiz called “Which Canadian Roadwork Symbol Are You?,” co-authored by the U.S. government, brought to light some disturbing facts. For instance, Canada shares two letters of its name with China. Since when does Quebec City have a “wall”? Also, the maple leaf is red.
Operation Winter Is Coming
Target: Westeros
The Plan: Force the population to surrender its weapons and personal fortunes via the closing of tax loopholes at the Iron Bank.
Evidence: A leaked script from season six of “Game of Thrones” was revealed to feature a new character, Communist Lannister, who encourages restrictive dragon-control laws and background checks for every citizen of Westeros.
