Let’s Be Less Stupid and Old

Illustration by Victor Kerlow

Directions: You have two minutes to answer the following questions. If you do not have a timer, start counting.

What Is Your Mental Age?

  1. What’s the word for the stuff you sprinkle on your food but it’s not pepper? No, not salt, but like salt but supposedly better for you because it doesn’t have salt in it.

  2. What’s that thing that you put in the thing? The thing you take pictures with. That thing. What’s the thing you put inside that?

  3. What’s the car that’s not a Toyota Camry?

  4. Who’s the guy who isn’t Robert De Niro?

  5. What is the little plastic person you used to play with called?

  6. How do you spell the drink that’s made with rum, lime juice, and sugar, and comes with a tiny umbrella?

  7. Off the wagon? On the wagon? Which is the good one, and by good one I mean the bad one that’s not fun?

  8. Why is there a Post-it on the cutting board?

Answers:

  1. No Salt salt substitute. Mrs. Dash is also accepted.

  2. Memory card. “Film” is not accepted. Get with it.

  3. Honda Accord

  4. Al Pacino. Half a point for Harvey Keitel or James Caan.

  5. Barbie

  6. Daiquiri

  7. I don’t remember.

  8. I thought you put it there.

Scoring: One point for every correct answer.

0: Older than the hills

1-3: Same age as Father Time’s uncle

4-5: If you took your gray matter to “Antiques Roadshow,” they’d be impressed.

6-7: Younger than springtime

8: Will you write the rest of this article?

Fun with Math: Word Problems

  1. The Pomegranates are remodelling their bathroom. The contractor promises that he and his assistant, Drago, can do the job in fifteen days. Drago works three times as fast as the contractor. On Day Two, Drago is stricken with a hangnail and cannot work. The contractor hires Buster and Lester, who together can work one-fourth as fast as Drago worked. Buster and Lester put the toilet in upside down. The resulting flood spreads to the kitchen. The contractor says that redoing the kitchen and replacing the drowned dog will take six times as long as the bathroom. The contractor fires Buster and Lester and employs a team whose religious habits permit them to work only on days that begin with the letter “T.” The first day on the job, the team works ten times as fast as the contractor. Every day thereafter, it works half as fast as the day before. The Pomegranates divorce. Mrs. Pomegranate is institutionalized. Will the bathroom be painted by the time Mrs. Pomegranate gets out of the hospital?

Answer: Yes, but when she sees that it is painted Crème Fraîche instead of Fraîche Crème, she will check herself back in.

  1. Liz Taylor has been married three times. No, not that Liz Taylor, another Liz Taylor. She received a modest settlement from each ex. The amounts, in chronological order, were as follows: $1,000, $8,000, $27,000. She put this money into a fund to pay for her twins’ college education. Her children will be attending Sarah Lawrence, one of the most expensive colleges in the country. The price tag is $65,242 per year, and that doesn’t include books, though maybe they’re not necessary. Child support? There is none. It’s a long story. Considering extras and assuming that the price tag goes up, let’s say Liz Taylor is going to have to spend $600,000 over four years. How many more times must Liz Taylor get divorced?

Answer: Three

What Was I Doing Upstairs That Made Me Decide to Go Downstairs?

You walk purposefully toward the kitchen, bathroom, or Oval Office, and on arrival you wonder, Why am I here? Did you come for a paper towel? Lip balm? Are you supposed to sign the telecommunications bill? In each scenario below, you wind up in a room, searching for something, though you no longer know what. Select the most likely object. There are no incorrect answers, but one is more correct than the others.

  1. You turn on the TV to watch your favorite program. During a commercial, you put the remote in your pocket and run down to the garage. What for?

(a) Fertilizer

(b) Snowblower

(c) Venison haunch in spare freezer

(d) Garage-door opener

  1. Uh-oh. Why did the lights go out? You make your way down to the basement, but, um, what is it you are here to look for?

(a) Flashlight

(b) Hand-crank radio

(c) Fuse

(d) Old Gladys Knight & the Pips album

Answers:

  1. (d) Garage-door opener. The batteries in the remote are dead, but luckily the AAAs in the garage-door opener will work.

  2. (d) The album. The lights came back on—how else could you look?—and now it’s time to paaa-rrrr-ty! __♦