WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid some confusion as to whether it had, in fact, declared war on ISIS, on Friday afternoon, the White House attempted to clarify matters by vowing to use “every synonym for war at our disposal.”
After the Secretary of State John Kerry asserted that the United States was not at war, only to be contradicted later by the White House’s statement that it was, the White House spokesman Josh Earnest held a press conference to state that “no synonyms for war have been taken off the table.”
“Yes, this is a war,” Earnest said. “But it is also a conflict, a campaign, a struggle, a fracas, and, if you will, a melee.”
The spokesman said that there was no contradiction between Kerry’s position and the White House’s on the matter. “Though Secretary Kerry said that there was no war and we said that there was a war, we’re all on the same page in saying that there will be hostilities,” he said.
Earnest added that, over the next few days, the White House will determine what to call the enemy: ISIS, ISIL, the Islamic State, or something else entirely.
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