Failed Insomnia Treatments: One Man’s Journey

Photograph by yipchoonwai/Getty

For years, I have wrestled with insomnia, which doctors agree is the leading cause of my tossing and turning. In order to help my fellow-sufferers, I have compiled a catalogue of suggested remedies, tested by me.

Ambien

Ambien worked fairly well for me. I didn’t fall asleep, per se, but I did believe I was asleep. (In reality, I was scrolling through photos of my ex-girlfriend on Facebook, and accidentally tagging myself in all of them.)

Respecting My Sleep Cycle

When I take even a short nap in the afternoon, I’m up all night. Yes, if I went to bed and woke up at the same time each day, things might be different. But then I wouldn’t be awake at 3 A.M., texting friends in California, “Sup, girl?” And I’d still have friends in California.

Smelling Lavender to Relax

Amazingly, this helped. I bought some lavender and put it in a vase, and for a whole week I slept peacefully. This was eight years ago.

King-Size Bed

I thought I needed more space in bed—hence the ex-girlfriend—but the number of possible sleeping positions in my Carlstadt King is overwhelming. There are positions like pretzel arms, the flying V, the corner ball, and the missing hiker. It’s a tyranny of choice.

Chamomile Tea

Chamomile tea before bed is a very relaxing way to insure that you will need to urinate thirty times a night.

Cutting out Coffee

I tried cutting out coffee, but unfortunately doing so destroyed my chances of being a productive member of society.

Exercise

I will try this one out soon. Next week, no excuses.

Alcohol and Marijuana

I hate to promote such things, but they did help me fall asleep—in a back booth of the Three Star Diner, with my cheek resting on a stack of pancakes and a guy yelling, “Hey, this guy’s face is in my pancakes!”

Classical Radio

I tried listening to classical music on the radio. They had a thing called Mozart Month. All they played was Mozart. One piece would end, and the d.j. would say, “Mozart composed that sonata when he was just seven years old.” Then I’d yell, “O.K., we get it—he was good!” All this back and forth made sleep pretty difficult.

A Glass of Warm Milk Before Bed

Growing up, my mom always used to say, “Drink a glass of warm milk before bed.” Last summer, I left the milk out on the counter all day so that it would get warm. I had a glass before bed. A few hours later, I woke up. I’ll never drink milk again.

Adjusting My Bedding

I’ve experimented with different bedding combinations: starting the night with just sheets, then pulling up the blanket; starting with two blankets, then kicking them off later while screaming, “I’m suffocating!” Recently, I began carrying a large down comforter everywhere I go. This has not helped.

Sleep Mask

My ex-girlfriend bought me a sleep mask, because she understood my sensitivity to light and she hoped I would finally fire the guy who stood by my bedside every night and covered my eyes with his hands. I didn’t fire him, so she ran off with my sleep guy.

Tempur-Pedic Mattress

I lay down and immediately started sinking into it, like it was quicksand. In the morning, I looked over at my teddy bear and saw only a paw reaching out of the mattress. Goodbye, Teddy. Goodbye, mattress.

Sound-Effects CD

I ordered one of those thunder CDs (“Now with fifty per cent more rain and two bonus storms!”). Unfortunately, I got what I paid for, which was the cheap one. It sounded like whoever made it had just taped it off the radio. Every few minutes, someone starts talking about evacuation zones and tornado warnings for the tri-state area. At one point, you hear shouting:

“Travis, find your sister. We have to get down into the storm cellar!”

“Daddy! Daddy!”

“He’s gone. He’s gone.”

Meanwhile, I’m thinking, “Shut up, I can’t hear the rain!”

Earplugs

Sometimes my neighbors have loud parties, and this disturbs my sleep. My therapist suggested that maybe my problem had to do with the neighbors. I confronted them, but they thought that the problem was with my therapist. As a compromise, I bought earplugs and wore them to group therapy with my neighbors. I think we’re making progress. But I can’t really hear, so I’m not sure.