My great-great-grandfather would always talk about his run-ins with the literary giants of his day, but I never realized the true extent to which he brushed elbows with famous authors until I discovered one of his old notebooks. To my surprise, it was filled with as yet unpublished Mark Twain quotes. Though they aren’t quite as polished as Twain’s published work, I think you’ll find glimmers of the trademark Twain wit that we all know and love!
* * * “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” —Mark Twain
“I’d like to buy a single lotto ticket, this chocolaty milk, and one turkey hoagie.” —Mark Twain
“Hey, you’re that fellow who was transcribing my speech earlier.” —Mark Twain
“I’m merely running some errands. This is now off the record.” —Mark Twain
“Are you following me home? Please leave me alone, and stop quoting me!” —Mark Twain
* * * “Olivia, this is a fine roast, though it’s due for a trifle of salt.” —Mark Twain
“Did anyone else hear that noise? I’m going to investigate.” —Mark Twain
“My God, somebody’s hiding inside of our crawl space!” —Mark Twain
“There’s a soiled mattress, and dozens of empty cans of beans. It looks like he’s been living in here for months.” —Mark Twain
“Wait, I think I recognize him from the bodega earlier. Who are you, sir?” —Mark Twain
“Stop writing in your notebook and answer me! And what are you even writing?!” —Mark Twain
“Dear lord, he’s transcribing everything I’m saying. Even these words, right now!” —Mark Twain
“Is this how all of those quotes of mine are being published?!” —Mark Twain
“Daddy, why is the strange man quoting you?” —Mark Twain’s dim-witted daughter
“Leave my family out of this, you maniac!” —Mark Twain
“Derh, I’m a fat jerk who’s rude to his fans.” —Mark Twain
“I didn’t even say that! Now you’re just making up quotes and attributing them to me! I’ll kill you, you goddam son of a bitch!” —Mark Twain
“Sam, get off him! You’ll go to jail!” —Olivia Clemens
“How is he still writing while being so severely beaten?” —Mark Twain’s ugly daughter
* * * “I plead not guilty, your honor.” —Mark Twain
Photograph: Mondadori Portfolio via Getty.
