That’s right, you guessed it, I’m gonna eat a shit ton more ants.
I’m gonna eat them off a tree.
I’m gonna eat them off a coconut.
I’m gonna eat them off one of those classy, slanted desks from an antiques shop.
I’m gonna eat them off a globe, off a paperweight, off a ship in a bottle.
I’m gonna eat so many ants, you would think it’s what I’ve been put on Earth to do, just Hoover up ants like the weirdest thing in the world.
It’s like God was like, “Well, I think I overdid it with the ants.” And then had the idea to send some insane, bulky creature down to take care of them. And that’s me.
And the thing is, I love it!
If you were put on Earth to eat ants, you would love it, too.
You’d look at a menu and be like, “This is all fine and good, but I don’t see any ants on here.”
If you were playing chess, you’d be like, “This is all fine and good, but I don’t see any ants on this chessboard.”
If you were in charge of designing personal checks with all kinds of faint backgrounds, you might have a reflective moment, thinking, “This is a great cloudscape I’ve created, but I wouldn’t want to live there, because there probably wouldn’t be any ants.”
You’d be on the phone with your mom and you’d be like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure, I’m fine. I’m fine. What about ants?”
You’d look at yourself in the mirror and think, “I’ve got a one-track mind, and I don’t care!”
I love ants, and that’s me, and, yes, I’m a work in progress, but I gotta be true to myself.
O.K., here’s my one rule. If I see an ant, I have to eat it. “If you see something, eat that thing” is my motto (when that thing is an ant).
If I see an ant on a basketball, I’m gonna eat it.
If I see an ant on the arm of an Adirondack chair, I’m gonna eat it.
If I see an ant in Meryl Streep’s hair, I’m gonna seek it out and eat it.
If we’re on a tour in a historic house, and you see an ant walking up some mottled-glass window, don’t even worry about it (because I already ate it).
I am, in a general, low-key, ambient way, concerned about the whereabouts of all ants at all times.
That’s just my way.
And something tells me that 2014 is going to be when I really come into my own.
Have a great New Year! (Unless you’re an ant.)
Photograph: John MacDougall/AFP/Getty