Though the rumor mill is already buzzing about Apple’s iWatch and the upcoming release of Google Glass, these lustworthy gizmos are nothing without their apps. Let’s take a look at this year’s best releases:
LunchMeet
This new dating app organizes a list of potential mates based on who’s hungry and what they’re craving. “Our extensive research has determined that most people eat three meals per day,” said the LunchMeet founder Denny Topai. “And whether they’re chowing down on a greasy turkey leg or eating a Stouffer’s alone in the dark, they just want someone to eat with.”
OptiCal
This robust app seamlessly re-integrates your aggregation optimizers, and then pushes all the data to the cloud to provide a more accurate feed-based social metric, and a more robust, texturized social graph. “We have no idea what it does,” said an anonymous venture capitalist who’s contributed millions to the app’s development, “but we have to stay ahead of the curve.”
Hatroulette
Already a huge hit in Sweden, this native iPad app is similar to Chatroulette, but for the burgeoning fancy-hat community. “Users can log in and wear whatever kind of hat they want,” said the lead programmer, Djorn Fluugrjonten, “whether they prefer the solemn formality of a balmoral bonnet or the ostentatious pageantry of a busby.” Unfortunately, the developer has so far been unable to tamp down on the obscene nudity that’s quickly overwhelmed the service.
iFear
This app uses complex algorithms to determine your greatest fears—even some you didn’t know you had, like of scorpion eggs in your toothpaste—and whispers them into your ear while you sleep. It allows you to experience your fears while dreaming, with gradually increasing intensity, eventually helping you to overcome them. While many test users have experienced debilitating fits of anxiety, the developer claims that this is rare, and that iFear will soon rid the world of all fear.
AdverTron Premium
In a direct challenge to Facebook, AdverTron cuts out the middleman, allowing users to send their most intimate details directly to top advertising agencies. Finally, users can experience firsthand the immense satisfaction that comes with providing a multi-billion-dollar industry with rich spreadsheets of demographic data, so that popular consumer products like beef jerky can be more effectively marketed to their peers.
Angry Bards HD
This unique social-gaming app allows you to digitally toss live pigeons at the actors performing at Shakespeare in the Park.
Mail Blaster Plus
This iPhone app takes your unanswered e-mails and “blasts them straight to hell.” Zyntak’s enigmatic C.E.O., Lord Uud, said at press time, “The streets will flow freely with the blood of your so-called e-mails.” Investors have been clambering for a piece of Zyntak ever since the tech company appeared virtually overnight after a nether-portal opened on the thirteenth floor of annexed office space in the Gap offices in downtown San Francisco. When asked about the company’s I.P.O., Lord Uud would say only that “an unspeakable evil one thousand moons old has been unleashed. Your day of reckoning is upon you.”
Loneli
This app geolocates all the friends and lovers who have abandoned you, and then determines the real reasons they left. For example, they may no longer have been able to stand your naïve obsession with an unreachable, consumer-based techno-utopia. It then allows you to send them a customizable e-card to explain in raw, honest prose how lonely you feel lusting for physical objects, but how it’s easier than having your heart broken again, in a hundred and forty characters or less.
Illustration by Philippe Petit-Roulet.
